Sunday, 2 October 2011

The rejection letter

I decided that I would write back to Diana, given that she took the time to write such a heartfelt and personalised proposition to me (see my previous post Love in the Letterbox.)

Dear Diana,

You were quite right when you said that your letter would be a surprise to me.  Although you went to great trouble to provide an explanation, my surprise has not dissipated; if anything, I'm more surprised now than I was before I read your letter.

I am indeed registered with an agency, but our wires have been crossed somewhere.  I didn't know that my temp agency had another division which provides services of an altogether different kind.  Looking back, I should have paid more attention.  That question they asked in the interview about what I was willing to do seemed pretty intense in the context of temporary receptionist work.

I don't know how much you paid your agency to get my email address, but you should definitely ask for your money back.  You see, I am not a man.  I do have sincere and honest eyes (brown), but I am lacking in the other specifications you have made.

To tell you the truth Diana, when I read about your life, I was a little surprised that you were even looking for a man.  Between being a lawyer (and the confidence that gives you), reading all of Stephen King's novels, your daily tennis and golf games and all the communicating you're doing, I wonder whether you would actually have space in your life for me.  I've met people like you before Diana and I know that it's only a matter of time before my honest and sincere eyes are not enough to keep your attention and it all starts with that hot pro at the tennis club, or the husband that you're representing in the divorce case.  What kind of a lawyer are you anyway?

The other thing is that you're too young for me.  I won't pretend that I'm not thrilled to be approached by a younger woman - even if it is through the misguided and possibly corrupt efforts of either your dating agency or my temp agency.  While I commend you for committing to a literary oeuvre, to have only read all of Stephen King's novels, does not bode well.  I read a lot and you'll never catch up.  What would we talk about?  And you're too tall for me.  I'd have to wear heals all the time and my podiatrist says I have to give them up.  And at that ridiculously light weight of yours, I'd be worried that you'd blow over in a strong wind.  (How you manage to stay upright long enough to hit the golf ball I'll never know).  I just don't want the trouble of constantly having to make sure you're weighed down.  It's too depressing.

We do have some things in common...brown eyes, for example.  Actually, on that subject, sorry to ask, but do you have two eyes?  Or just the one?  I was a bit confused when you said your "eye colour" was brown and given the other syntax errors, I wasn't sure what the situation is.  I hope you don't mind me asking, but I don't think I could be with a person who is one-eyed.  We are also both women so that's another thing we have in common. Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm as open minded as the next gal, but I don't think you really know what you want.  You seem very man focussed.

Enjoy your vacation ( we call them holidays here).  Australia is a great place to live and I'm sure you'll have a fun time.  Hope you don't have trouble getting through Customs and Immigration at the airport.  It seems like you definitely have something to hide, otherwise why would you be so emphatic that you have never been here? To find out more, I suggest Google as a great starting place.  If you don't have access to the internet, then your local library can probably help.  They may even have a Lonely Planet guide you can borrow.

Diana, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I don't think it's going to work out between us.  I don't think I want to be with a woman right now.  If I did, I'd probably look a little bit closer to home.  The whole long distance thing can be a bit of a bore, especially when you'll be out on the golf course when I'm trying to get you on Skype.  And the time difference could really make things tricky.

It's been nice while it lasted, but please, don't contact me again.



  1. Great rejection letter DivaC, I can imagine she is all the more heartbroken for having realised what a wonderful catch you might have been.

    Did you receive a follow up?

    I'm afraid I simply deleted the three letters from said Diana, each with it's own email address, hence confirming that I am just like all the other irresponsible men in the world. My self-hate is complete.

  2. Thank you!
    The poll on whether to send the letter is still running (80% in favour.)
    I am devastated to know that I'm not the only one for Diana. Even though I rejected her.