The compulsion of the mobile phone - is that email really so important?

When I facilitate groups, I've noticed that the way I set up expectations about the use of personal devices like mobile phones, ipads, laptops has changed significantly. If I don't have an explicit conversation about boundaries and respect, then participants would be checking emails, facebook and tweeting throughout their learning sessions.

When I'm working with leaders, I talk about the messages they send to their team if they are consistently responsive to emails and phone messages. I ask whether they have faith in the team they have around them to carry on in their absence. Generally they nod and smile and tell me they have complete faith in their team. A few moments later, they'll be surreptitiously reading email under the desk.

Reading email on the phone under the desk is the same as picking your nose when you're driving the car: everyone can see what you're doing!

Why is it that the information and communication on our phones has apparently become more compelling than the interactions occurring beside us?

After setting up and gaining explicit agreement about phones being put away and only checked during breaks so that focus is intense, participants engaged and fellow students respected, usually people adhere to that agreement.  Sometimes, however, they don't. I know that this really gets under my skin and I need to make a choice about how I respond.

I'm now clear that when I've set boundaries, the group looks to me to help them hold those boundaries in place. If behaviour that is outside what the group has established occurs and is left unchecked by the leader (me) then very soon resentment will breed and the agreement will crumble.

Sometimes when I speak directly to someone about the boundaries and how they're outside them, they look to me to tell them what they should do. I don't. I remind them of where they are and what they've agreed and tell them that they need to make a choice that takes account of their commitment and respect for the group as well as their own needs. Mostly, they put the phone away and meet the needs of the group and their commitment to it.

And then at the end of the day, someone will shake my hand and say goodbye with the ipod already plugged in. Talk about feeling dismissed!

How do you manage the compulsion of the mobile phone?

A wig is not a hat - rules for modern living.

There are some strange people out and about at the moment. I have two pieces of advice to offer. If heeded, I believe much trouble in the world could be saved.

1. A wig is not a hat.

It seems obvious at first. A wig is not a hat. As far as I know this is a statement of irrefutable fact, yet I have seen at least two people in the last two days - representative of both genders - who are labouring under the misapprehension that the opposite is true. They believe that a wig IS a hat. They must, otherwise, they would not be walking out of the house with that...that...arrangement sitting on their head.

I've looked a few times, maybe I've even stared. I should disclose one assumption that I'm making: that the thing on the head, which is hairy, is a wig. It may not be. It may be an actual hat which some milliner with an outrageous sense of humour, duped this poor woman into purchasing. Perhaps it was heavily discounted and in the bargain bin because to anyone else, it looked like a wig. Or like something scraped off the road with a shovel.

How can I describe the effect of the piece? Well it hangs before the face, like hairy drapes blowing in the wind. The rest of the outfit was very smart - crisp white shirt, houndstooth checked trousers with a black patent pump, but the smear of red lipstick was a little off. It wasn't quite the clown mouth, but one more lap with the Retro Red and the effect would have been more Ronald McDonald than Anna Wintour.

The woman in question engaged a staff member at Flinders Street Station in a conversation about how she had tried to buy chocolate, but the vendor said that its purchase price was 70,000 (what, I didn't quite hear). She went on at length to the man in the orange high-vis vest whom I suspected of not actually listening, until she posed the ultimate question: "How are you supposed to get ahead when that's the price of chocolate?"

I stopped myself from running over to her and answering: "Go into the chocolate business! And get that thing off your head! A wig is NOT a hat! That's how you get ahead!"

Although maybe she was actually asking how you are supposed to get "a head". Perhaps she was unaware that she already had a head, but then the wearing of the wig as if it was a hat would make no sense, as a head is an essential part of such an exercise.

2. A baby's jumpsuit is not a hat.

Again, this seems to be self-evident, but with another hot day forecast in Melbourne, I feel compelled to make this proclamation. On our last hot day, I spied a man wearing an electric blue, baby's jumpsuit on his head. It was very strange. I assume it was some kind of heat combat unit, but am mystified as to how this would work.

3. Leggings are not pants.

Again, I don't understand why there is any confusion about this.

Given all the uncertainty over head coverings, I have turned to the dictionary for the final word.

Dictionary.com says:

Wig:  an artificial covering of hair for all or most of the head, of either synthetic or natural hair, worn  to be stylish or more attractive. [emphasis mine].

Hat: a shaped covering for the head, usually with a crown and brim, especially for wear 
outdoors.

Those last few words in the definition of "wig" should clear it up for ever: "worn to be stylish or more attractive". I know they don't though as most times the wig fails to deliver. I will concede that a hat made of hair could also be a wig if the reason for wearing such a monstrosity was unclear. At this point I feel compelled to disclose that I own a wig. It is bright purple and I sometimes wear it to parties with the intention of being stylish. Mostly I don't wear it because I find it is hot and itchy.

Oh lord! All I can conclude is that if people are staring, chant the mantra "a wig is not a hat" and cover your leggings - they are not pants! Oh, and go into the chocolate business. (Unless "chocolate" is a slang term for whatever the kids are taking these days. In that case do not go into the "chocolate" business as I don't advocate the drug trade as a viable livelihood.)

Do you own a wig? Do you wear a wig? Is a wig a hat?

Hotel room rule book

My hotel room is fine, albeit full of strange requests, directions and statements.  For example, in the bathroom, hanging on a hook, is a laminated photograph of a hairdryer which includes the following statement: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE A HAIRDRYER IS LOCATED IN THE 2ND DRAWER OF THE DESK".

I'm confused about a few things.  How is it convenient to put the hairdryer in the desk?  Where the hell is the desk anyway? Why is it in the 2nd drawer?  What's wrong with the top drawer or the bottom drawer? Why is there a special hook on which to hang this laminated card when the hook would be the perfect place to put the actual hairdryer?Why does the hairdryer need photo identification?

All of these questions are unanswerable.

Then there is a sign that hangs over the doorknob which declares itself to be "your green card for the environment".  It contains six points, mainly about linen choreography (where to put the towels if you don't want them washed, or if you do want them washed, what to do if you don't want the sheets changed), and a stray instruction to turn the television and lights OFF when you leave the room, before we discover point five:

5. Please be aware that excessive steam build up in your bathroom may activate smoke detectors in your room.   Your co-operation on this matter is greatly appreciated.  

Cooperation is something that I am happy to do where I can, but I'm  confused by this statement.  The only way it can be understood is that it is a request for steam build up to be created.  I washed my hair this morning, but couldn't get the smoke detectors to go off.  The only thing that did happen was the shower wouldn't drain.

Finally, point six on the card is a charming reminder that I'm in the tropics:

6. During your stay in tropical Darwin, you may encounter small insects and ants in your room.       Climatic conditions make them very difficult to eradicate totally.

Now I'm nervous about the other creatures which may find their way in, but relieved to read the fine print on the card.  I am advised that I can call the manager on extension 9 for further clarification.  If I had more energy that might be entertaining.  Instead I'm off to build up excessive steam in the bathroom.

What driving taught me about how I think about other people.

As I drove around Melbourne today - in the rain - I contemplated how the behaviour of people on the roads completely changes in Melbourne if it rains.  Or if it's really hot.  Or cold.  Or windy.  It's bizarre.  I also thought about how I can be the best driver on the road, but that isn't the whole story. There is a bunch of other people also driving around.  The whole system relies on every single driver obeying the rules and doing their best with an intention to reach their destination safely.

I have an on again/ off again relationship with rules.  On one hand I've often been in positions where my role has been to enforce rules.   I was the senior boarder prefect at school.  I got my own room and a special pocket on my blazer so it was totally worth it.  I was a union official where my whole world revolved around negotiating rules and then ensuring that the rules were followed.  At one stage I was president and in charge of rules at meetings.  On the other hand, my creative nature sees me push the boundaries.  When problems arise I often pay no regard to the rules when I'm exploring potential solutions.

On the wall near my front door I have a message to myself which says in part: "Tear up their rules.  Run your own race."

As I've rearranged my life I find I'm more able to live in a way that is more aligned with my true nature.    But then I'm driving.  One of the things I had to do today was turn right at a set of traffic lights.  The traffic lights gave me a green arrow and I just turned right without even thinking.  As I straightened up, it occurred to me that I can only turn right on the green arrow safely because everyone else on the road was obeying their red lights.  While I'm driving I trust and expect that everyone is doing their best to follow the rules. I have to operate like this or I can't drive anywhere.

This experience today highlighted one of the things I often discuss with clients.  I hear many people talk about the problem people in their team or in their business in a negative way:  "they aren't motivated to do well", "they just turn up for the money", "they're not really there for the business."  When I hear these descriptions I have a conversation which finishes with a question.  "What would it mean for your relationship with that person if you accepted that they're trying to do their best?  What would happen if that was the lens you saw them through?"

I realised today that driving on the roads - especially in the city with lots of other people - is a living example of this idea.  The fundamental starting point needs to be that everyone is doing their best driving to get from A to B without incident.  JUST LIKE YOU.

Have you ever tried to drive where there's a back seat driver in the car?  I remember driving my grandparents around on the Gold Coast not  long after I got my first car.  My Grandfather was sitting in the back taking in the scenery.  My Granny was sitting beside me telling me everything I should be doing and not doing as I drove the car.  Within five minutes, I was a nervous wreck.  I remember pulling the car over and saying that I couldn't drive them safely with Granny critiquing everything I did. She needed to trust me that my intention was to get us all safely to where we were going. I was also in my new car which I didn't want to smash. I detected silent applause from my Grandfather in the back (we met eyes in the rear vision mirror) and Granny said nothing else for the entire trip.  She sat very upright, clutching her seatbelt, but she said nothing.  Being assertive was the best thing I could do for the safety of everyone in the car.

As you go out in the world what do you expect from people?  How do you see them?  Are you expecting and trusting them to do what's needed? or are you waiting for them to trip up?  Are you the back seat driver sucking the confidence out of people as you micro manage and second guess everything they do?

You can make a conscious decision to trust.  Try it next time you're driving.  Imagine how hard it would be to get around if you didn't trust others to obey the rules and do the right thing.  Then think about how you can change your view and focus on the things that can really help and empower the people around you.