My workplace bully met me today.

Today I encountered a woman who had bullied me at work. I did something I would not have imagined a few years ago. I said hello to her.

The first thing I noticed was that my heart didn't race and I didn't feel like I was having a panic attack. I would experience these things whenever I had to deal with her at work, so this was significant. I was feeling secure and successful and I was looking fabulous. (I'd had a free afternoon after finishing work with a client, so I'd walked into a hair salon and had my hair blow waved.)

It felt wonderful to stand in front of her and deliver the message that I had survived and thrived, in spite of her best efforts to pull me to pieces. 

When talking about my best and worst leaders in leadership development, this woman is the person who springs to mind as the example of my worst leader. I led a team in the area she oversaw. The team was geographically dispersed and she regularly convened telephone conferences, preceded by an overload of detailed email requests. 

I specifically remember one incident when my team was confused by an email request she had sent. They asked me for guidance. I didn't know what it meant either, so agreed to raise it during the telephone conference. 

She discussed all the items on her agenda and then asked if anyone had anything else to discuss. I posed the question about what her email meant on behalf of the team. She responded by asking me if I had read the email and then stated that she assumed that I could in fact read. 

I have never felt so small. I couldn't speak. I felt as though I was being attacked. My team gaped at me. None of us spoke up. I think we were paralysed with fear. The telephone conference ended, none of us knew what she was asking of us and I spent my time avoiding my boss as much as possible. 

Not only did this woman give me my "worst leader" example, but she also gave me a character to develop. Over the last two days, I've been playing a senior doctor who is a bully and who spends her time belittling and humiliating her registrar. I often pose the question about reading capability when I'm playing this role.

During today's encounter, I noticed that this woman did not use my name once, yet I greeted her by using both her first name and surname. She asked me what I was doing now and I was very happy to speak about my success. She didn't congratulate me. She terminated the conversation very quickly. I wonder if she felt nervous meeting me again. Perhaps she has reflected on her behaviour and treatment of me and now regrets it. Whether she regrets it or not, I'm so pleased I took the chance to display my survival and success. Today, I took her power away.

Have you ever met your bully again? How did you feel? What did the bully do?

Whose job are you doing?

One of the things I like about working as an actor is that everyone has a defined role - actors and crew. This is true of most creative ventures. Everyone has a defined role and generally the team allows everyone to perform their defined role without interference. The Director doesn't try to do the work of the actors, the actors don't interfere with the lighting rig, the stage manager doesn't take over from the producer.

It's a great example to consider for teams in other settings who may struggle with a leader who likes to "get their hands dirty" or the control freak who tells other people what to do. Working in these settings also provides a great lesson trust: trust that everyone else will do their job effectively.

This week I've been working on a project with a mix of actors and nurses. The nurses are "playing the role" of nurses. I've noticed that they are mistrustful that others are doing their jobs. I'm used to waiting where I'm told by whoever is in charge of the production and then moving when they tell me to. One of the nurses was consistently telling me where I was supposed to be. I later noticed that she was also perpetually worried about where people were and who was in charge of one of the sound effects. The sound effect had malfunctioned a couple of times during the day. My response is to make sure I know what my alternative queue is if the sound effect fails. This particular nurse's response was to round people up and question what was happening with the sound effect as we were walking out to start the scene. Upon suggestion that she just needed to focus on her job, she became very tense and responded that she just needed to be sure that there was someone doing it and that they would do their job properly.

I found this fascinating. While she was focusing on other roles, it meant that she wasn't paying attention to her own.

This kind of behaviour could be a cancer in a team and, as with many behaviours, it's often created by the leader. I've noticed that when a leader has been promoted from their area of technical expertise into their leadership role they often drift back to the comfort zone of their expertise. This is often described to me as a virtue - they're prepared to "muck in" with their team and work alongside them. There's nothing wrong with that if it's a conscious choice and the consequences of this choice are understood.

My next question is usually "When you're "mucking in" who's doing your job?"

Leadership is a role within a team or organisation. If the leader is busy on operational matters, then they aren't leading. This choice, like every choice a leader makes, creates behaviour within the team. Is it useful behaviour or is it unhelpful?

Back on set with the nurse I suggested that she relax and just focus on her assigned role and let everyone else do the same. She looked at me like I was crazy.

Do you trust others to do their job? Are you focused on your job or are you worried about everyone else?

How to avoid feedback disasters - what's your purpose?

Giving, receiving, thinking about and teaching feedback occupies a large proportion of my time, both at work and in my private life. I notice how people avoid it, crave it, botch it and do well and wonder at the variability of attitudes and capacity. Part of  my vision for an improved world is doing it better and appreciating the value of feedback.

So I was pleased to recently work with a medical college in trial exams for candidates to practise and receive feedback about all aspects of their performance: medical knowledge, exam technique, communication with me, the simulated patient, and their overall competence.

My case was intense, requiring me to cry and be angry about the situation. As an acting job, it was excellent. I had a really lovely doctor to work with as he conducted the trial exam station.

Candidate after candidate struggled with both the medical knowledge and their capacity to communicate. They often freak out when confronted with a simulated patient who is crying and angry just like a real patient would be in the same situation. Usually they recover. I quickly discovered that the doctor with me had a very different view of good communication. I also learned that many candidates were having significant problems with the medical aspects of the case.

After all candidates had had their trial, we saw them again for two minutes of feedback. After hearing from the doctor how terrible everyone was, I was surprised to hear him start by telling people "you did well". He'd then list - in exhaustive detail - all the areas of failure. He sent them off by saying they "weren't too bad" or "but you did ok".

I was confused. The candidates looked confused. They really wanted to know about their performance. They were participating in this trial exam so that they knew where they had performed well and what they needed to improve. Instead they received a confusing message that left them with no information about what they should do next time. The next time would be when they sit the actual exam.

I took the opportunity to observe and think about what was going wrong and how I would coach the doctor on providing useful, effective feedback.

The first question I would ask would be "what's the purpose of the feedback you're about to deliver?" Then to further clarify, "what do you want to happen as a result of this person receiving your feedback?"

Answering these questions before any feedback conversation will help remove our sometimes overwhelming desire to be liked from the feedback conversation. Interestingly, if your purpose is clear and about helping the other person, they probably will like you because you've taken the time to give them effective feedback that will help them do better in their world.

Listening to the doctor deliver his confusing messages, I tried to discern his purpose; it seemed it was about fulfilling part of the process of the trial exam. Where's the value in that? Feedback is part of the process and there's no doubt there was an obligation on him to provide it, but if the purpose of feedback is merely procedural then no one will benefit. It will be hard to deliver and unhelpful to receive. At its worst, it may also have a negative impact on the relationship between people.

Consistently I find that a lack of clarity around purpose is where people stumble. And it's not just in feedback conversations. Any conversation can benefit from clarity of purpose. Where the conversation is a strategic one (rather than a casual one), it needs to be planned. If you do nothing else, be clear about the answers to these key questions:

1.  what's the purpose of the feedback you're about to deliver?

2. what do you want to happen as a result of this person receiving your feedback?

It can change your life!

What to do when you meet someone famous.

Fame. Infamy. Celebrity. Many people crave these things like air, but I wonder what it would actually be like to be so recognisable that complete strangers think they know you. If your fame is over, then how do you reinvent yourself while the rest of the world sits on the sidelines reacting to you in accordance with their view of who you are and what you're capable of?

I had an encounter today which caused me to ponder these things. (I'm not going to reveal who this person is out of respect and professionalism.) I was playing a character and only interacted with this person while I was in character. I knew the identity of the person I was to work with beforehand so it wasn't a complete shock when I walked in, but there was still that strange moment of recognition. It felt like I knew this person and then remembered the truth. 

The work we were doing together was very far from the field in which this person had achieved their fame; this may have made it easier to forget about who they "had been". 

That idea of "had been" crossed my mind and I thought about how awful it would be to have to fight against an outmoded image of yourself. Reinvention - or even just progress - can be challenging for ordinary people. I can only imagine what it must be like when the world has you boxed into a particular place in that world.

During our encounter, nothing was mentioned of the old world. What a relief that must be!

The bigger lesson from today's experience was a reminder about meeting people as they are, with no preconceived ideas. Being present, interacting in the moment and responding according to how they are today is a good thing to do with anyone.  A deep level of authenticity and honesty is possible if both people in the conversation are doing this.

I'm pleased to have had the opportunity I had today. My only regret was that I didn't have the opportunity to engage with this impressive person as myself. Truthfully, I may have been a little bit star struck when it was all over.

What did you learn today? Who did you meet today?

I made a mistake today and I told the world.

You know that feeling when you think there's something you've forgotten, but don't know what it is? It's a niggly kind of feeling, but worrying the niggle does nothing to uncover the forgotten thing. Today my niggle was revealed: I had completely forgotten something very important in one of my projects.

I don't forget things very often (apart from bills I have to pay - and that's just because I'm busy and disorganised at home). At work, I'm super-organised. Working part time in many different places, including my own business, means that I have to be extremely organised and ready for everything well ahead of deadline.

Today I received a call from the secretariat of a conference where I'm putting flyers in the conference satchels to advertise. The satchels are being packed tomorrow on the Gold Coast and I have paid for 450 flyers to be placed in those satchels. I'm in Melbourne.

Firstly, I owned my mistake. I explored the possible options with the secretariat and then told my boss what the options were. My boss was excellent. We talked about where things stood, I proposed a solution, we made a decision and I went off to fix the problem.

Thanks to the digital age, I was able to easily find a local printer, email them the art work and have the flyers printed and delivered by 8:30 tomorrow morning to the place where the satchels are being packed. Phew!

Initially, I felt really stupid and was concerned that I had made such a mistake. I guess I also worried that I had let people down. Of course, everyone makes mistakes. I told myself this and then my little inner critic replied "but I don't". I shut that critic down. Of course I make mistakes. I just proved that today. Being open, honest and owning the error was the best thing I could do. This enabled collaboration on the solution my error had created and built trust. Yes! My boss will trust me more as a result of what happened today - not because I made a mistake, but because I didn't try to hide the error.

What do you do when you make a mistake?

What about the sign on this door? I notice it every day at my train station, but today I tried to understand what it means. I think someone made a mistake. What's the point of a door that no one is allowed to go through?

© 2014 divacultura

Team work - 12 pianists and one piano!

I just watched this video of a performance as part of the TEDMED series. Twelve people play one piece on one piano. The music is interesting and we get to hear the full range of the piano being fully explored.

I watched it again and it struck me that this is a great example of a high performing team. Each member has a part to play. They are expert in the part they play. No one tries to take over someone else's part. They have to work physically closely together without distraction. They look delighted to be working together. We don't see the hours of preparation, both individual and team, that would have been required to achieve the performance we see in the film. We also don't see the debrief afterwards where there would be celebration of success and perhaps some private conversation about errors made. Perhaps they would also plan for their next piece of work.

I'm sure there is a leader. At times I think I spotted one, only to think I saw someone else. I believe this is how it is in a truly high performing team - all members shoulder responsibility and accountability for the performance of the team.

Isn't that a team you'd like to be part of?

Leadership lessons - Shifting the boss/worker paradigm

A few weeks ago I was in the company of some former colleagues from my days as a union official. There were some people I was genuinely delighted to see. Years had passed and there were many questions about how I was now spending my time. I responded with passion and enthusiasm about the variety of things I'm working on, including leadership development for some big organisations. I was struck by the number of people who asked me outright, "Have you moved to the other side?"

The first time I was struck by the boldness of the question and could only manage a "no". After a few times, I started to react to the question with its inherent judgement and lack of curiosity. I pushed back.

"Why is leadership development perceived as being on the other side? What is the "other side" anyway?"

The answers were simplistic echoes of old class wars: you're supporting the bosses instead of the workers.

It was old-fashioned, limited thinking. I thought about the number of union members I'd talked to who had fallen victim to unskilled bosses and thought how much better it is for everyone if leaders in business are skilled in the business of leading their people. My response was met with a shrug.

People with locked in positions about workplace politics aren't limited to people working for trade unions.  In a recent conversation with senior leaders we were discussing what is within our control and considering where we focus our attention and energy. The group nodded and acknowledged the wisdom of understanding this. Then a member of the group said they hated the fact that they knew their team members would go "straight to the union" after particular conversations with them. I could see their frustration and feel the temperature in the group increase as others agreed.

I asked what bothered this leader about the actions of their people. They told me they had no control over how messages were conveyed to the union. I asked whether the team members were doing something wrong in talking to their union. The group agreed that there was nothing wrong with this. The frustration remained.


"What would happen if you acknowledged, out loud, the conversations that they would have with their union?" Uncomfortable shuffling ensued.

"What would happen if you facilitated that conversation somehow?" Angry eyes looked at me.

"After you speak to your team, how can you control who they speak to next? What they say?"

Further frustration boiled over: "We can't!" "We just have to accept it!" came the responses.

Exactly.

Imagine what might happen if the focus changed. Instead of directing energy in a negative way towards a futile goal (ie stopping people talking to each other), consider the power of accepting what is not within your control and instead directing energy in a positive way, for example facilitating or nurturing a relationship, starting a conversation.

It fascinates me that the people who are in the relationship of employer and union are often misguided about the nature of that relationship. Many probably would disagree with the concept that a relationship even exists. Even sworn enemies have a relationship with each other.

Where do you put your energy? Is it within your control? What would happen if you shifted your focus?

Lights, camera, action!

It's been a very big week. As usual, I was doing many different things for many different people, but this week included something out of the ordinary. I was making two films and my role was behind the camera.

I'm collaborating with a university in the field of clinical supervision and my partner and I pitched that we would make some films as a catalyst for discussion in the workshops that we will design and deliver.

We had two films to make and two days in which to make them. I wrote the script which was more like a blueprint for the narrative of each scene around which the actors would improvise. We had a director, camera operator and audio engineer. My partner was the clinical adviser on set, teaching the actors how to look like they were taking blood pressure and other vital signs and props master. That left me as producer, assistant director and floor manager. After two days, I was exhausted and gained a real appreciation for what it takes to make even a simple film. My job was all-consuming because I was flicking from creative story-telling to manager of the set, people and time frames.

At one point, I heard my name called by four different people. All I could do was take a breath and deal with each person.

Even my broadcast journalism skills had a workout. We did some vox pop interviews of students to get their stories and perspectives about clinical supervision and feedback. I stood beside the camera and chatted with four young men to get them to relax in front of the camera and to incorporate my question into their answer. I remembered the appeal that interviewing had for me all those years ago.

My next task is post-production. I'll sit with the editor and we'll use all the footage we took to tell the story that I wrote. I'm really excited to see how it turns out.

One of my lessons from this experience is that everything takes three times longer than you think and you just have to keep going until you're finished.

The other great thing I noticed was the need to have complete trust in the team you've assembled. Everyone must be doing their job and you must trust that everyone is doing their job. I had no capacity to step in and take over anyone else's job. If I had, that would have left a big gap where I was supposed to be. It's a great leadership experience, because everyone is required and no one can give less than 100% every time and all the time.

My partner took a photo on set which you can see on Instagram. He appeared as an extra, but I was too busy doing all of the things I've mentioned, that I missed taking a photo.

Question of the day

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

This is my favourite question at the moment. I thought of it yesterday when I was redesigning a leadership activity for a client.

I've been thinking about it ever since.

Actually, that's my answer - when I don't know what to do I think - sometimes.

When I don't know what to do I stop and think, spend some time analysing the problem. That would be my head taking the lead.

Other times when I don't know what to do I look and see what everyone else is doing. I check to see whether they look happy and engaged and either collaborate or avoid and change tack.  That would be my heart in charge.

Other times I'll just leap and do something! It may not be "the answer", but something will happen as a result and then I'll probably get a clue about what to do next. That would be me leading from my gut.

I've been talking to leaders lately about the balance between their head, heart and guts when they think about from where they lead. We've been discussing the book Head, Heart and Guts and the concept of the whole leader.

It's been interesting to reflect on my own growth and ripening as a leader. I look back on my days as a young union leader and know that I really lacked heart - not for the members I was representing, but for the people with whom I was working. I was head or guts. I LOVED the drama and thrill of acting on instinct. I usually felt confident and couldn't bear to "fiddle around", as I called it.

I now recognise that I've learnt a lot and am much more balanced and am mindful of whether my leadership actions are representative of a whole leader.

The question of the day is an excellent way to prompt thought and conversation about what your defaults are.  So: What do you do when you don't know what to do? I'd love to know.

What are you afraid of? - leadership action

Don't be afraid of what will happen if you act. Be afraid of what will happen if you don't act.

I've found myself having this conversation a lot lately. Leaders tell me that they haven't tackled something they know they should, because they're scared or worried about a reaction. I ask them about what that reaction is likely to be and they describe another person's bad or immature behaviour. They'd rather battle on - and force their team to battle on -  than address a problem.

When I ask what will happen if they do nothing, eye contact is broken, they get a guilty look and then they tell me they know they should do something, but they are gripped by fear.

I ask again - what will happen if you don't act? - and keep asking until they face themselves. Eventually they realise that doing nothing about a problem is worse for everyone.

Sometimes they tell me stories about how they've inherited a problem and that a person has been allowed to get away with certain things for a long time. They tell me these stories, manifesting frustration and blaming the others who came before them and did nothing.

I then ask whether they are about to be the next person who does nothing or will they be the person to make the choice to act?

Some people make the decision to act at that point, others need another nudge, so I tap into their empathy.

"Imagine if you were that person, acting and believing you're doing okay, but actually there are major problems that everyone else knows about, but no one has ever respected you enough to talk to you about it."

It's easy to make excuses when the path of action is challenging. It's easier to do almost everything else when you've made an effort to address problems that need fixing.

I've realised this week while working with another group of leaders that I've brought my activist mindset with me. To me, the business of leading is about acting in a way that sets your people free to do their best work. The key is that leadership is an action, not a noun. It's not a title or a name on a business card. It's action framed by mindset. In any setting.

Are you taking action? What are you avoiding? What are you afraid of?

What I'm saying "thank you" for this week.

This morning I woke up at 5am, forty-five minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I'm grateful because it gave me time to wash my hair and still be at work on time. I felt better about myself today.

Thank you.

A participant in the program I have been facilitating this week, bowled up to me at the end of the two days, looked in my eyes, smiled and told me that I had really inspired him.

Thank you.

Another participant told me that he had realised that he has been badly behaved at work. He also told me that his behaviour had been bad for 40 years and no one had ever told him. He told me that he now knows he needs to change. He told me he needs help because he doesn't know how to make the change. I felt privileged to be the person he confided in. I had thought he would be difficult to deal with, but I had really enjoyed his participation. I told him so.

Thank you.

I was to meet a friend who is visiting Melbourne this evening. He received an invitation relevant to the conference he's here attending and had to change our plans. We're meeting tomorrow for lunch. I'll be much fresher and awake! (I'm very tired this evening.) I now get a bonus early night and still get to see my friend.

Thank you.

Listening to the story of a boy who fled Afghanistan at the age of 14 after his father was murdered and spent a year in immigration detention on Christmas Island, I thought about what I was doing when I was fourteen. I was at school. I was starring in the school musical. I was playing music. I was reading novels. I was hanging out with friends and writing letters to my pen pals. I don't think I would have been able travel alone to the other side of the planet and start a new life. This boy is now vice captain at his school and is relishing the opportunity he has to sit exams.

Thank you.

Lastly, I'm grateful for Survivor. Last night was sensational viewing in the Beauty, Brawn and Brains season. The show gave me a point of connection with one of the less engaged participants at today's workshop. I also had a fabulous debrief on the phone afterwards with one of my friends. (For the record, Cass did her dash last night and LJ is very nice to have around.)

Thank you.

And lastly, always, thank you for the music. This week I've been listening to Max Richter's The Four Seasons Recomposed and The Fray's album "Helios".


What are you saying "thank you" for this week?

Status games - observations in the wild and closer to home.

One of the things I like to observe is the status of people. It's one of the first things you learn in theatre improvisation and it can be a quick way to create character. When facilitating groups, tuning into status can really help stay on top of a group's dynamics.

Walking across Princes Bridge today, I deliberately played high status. My path was on the left of the pathway and there was no one who was going to move me from my route. I said nothing, but people moved out of my way. I was even walking up behind some people going in the same direction as I was and they moved out of my way; again with no words from me and without seeing me. They could obviously "feel me". If I was playing low status, no one would move. Ever had an "invisible day"? That's low status.

One of the other interesting places to observe status - apart from the zoo -  is in the workplace. Some people are bestowed with status because of their title or job role. Sometimes their personal status might align with the hierarchical status; other times it might be at odds.  Think of the leader who is personally low status. They fail to command respect and won't last long. The person who is lowest in the hierarchy might have high status, however, and it's interesting to observe the dynamics that creates.

I'm thinking about this tonight because I've been watching  the television show "Survivor", which is another great place to observe status games playing out. How do people acquire their status? Do they naturally have high status? Will they be able to keep it? What are the thought processes and behaviours that emerge when someone is aware that their status has shifted?

There's a woman in the office of one of my clients who is dominant in the workplace, but I've had a hard time picking her status. I've decided that she is high status. Her role is middle on one consideration, but on another she wields power. In her mind, she appears as though she is the ruler of the roost. It's classic "head of the typing pool" syndrome.

She and I have had some interesting encounters. In the constructed hierarchy of this particular workplace, I know I have low status. However, I know that I personally carry high status. One of the things that gives me high status is that I don't care about the hierarchy. I just care about doing good work and getting on with people. Sometimes this gets me into trouble. Mostly, it serves me well and I'm consequently well-connected throughout the workplaces in which I move. I've observed that people with a misalignment between their status accorded them by the constructed hierarchy and their personal status, really don't know what to do about people who disregard their high status position.  They often want to lash out, but know they will be let down by their ultimate lack of authority. Or they will turn into bullies.

Another way to think about status is in terms of the "natural leader". Generally my observation is that people whom we perceive as natural leaders, carry high personal status.  Nelson Mandela is a good example - he was born with low status in his country (a black man in a country imposing apartheid) yet rose to be one of the most respected men and leaders in the world. One of the things he had was high personal status.

Recent Australian politicial history is interesting to consider through this lens of status. The last two leaders of the Australian Labor Party (Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd) were both elevated to leader of the party and the country. Before their elevation, I would argue they had high status, but as soon as they were in the position, both lost their status.

Back to the particular woman in the client's workplace...she often stops talking when I enter the room. Recently, I heard my name said just before she stopped talking and responded from a high status position. I told her I heard my name and made strong eye contact with her. She said nothing further, but the person with whom she was speaking, made excuses of denial. Meanwhile, I said nothing (again, a high status move).  In another classic move, this woman "shooshed" me once when I was just talking to someone around the workplace. I looked her in the eye and told that her that I don't respond to "shooshing". She didn't respond.

I think that when relationships are functional, we hardly notice status at all. People just smoothly get on with it. The social satisfaction gained in this functional world will keep everyone humming along, usually until something changes, for example, someone new arrives. It's no wonder that "stranger comes to town" is one of the archetypal stories we've been telling down through the ages.

As a freelancer, I'm often the stranger coming to town, paid to observe and to challenge. To do this, I need to be secure and good willed. Mostly it works.

In the crowds of Christmas shoppers, it can be interesting (and useful) to play high status. Why not try it next time you're trying to go somewhere? Imagine you are the top dog, the big cheese, the king of the jungle and that you are entitled to take whatever path you choose. Carry this thought and make eye contact and watch people move out of your way! Have a go at doing the opposite and see what happens when your status is low.  Further fine tune your observation skills by studying the status people in your workplace hold. See if you can identify what it is that makes a person high or low status.

It can be a real eye-opener.

Under my skin - mockery in the group

This week I worked with a group that I found really challenging.  There was one man in particular who seemed to get under my skin and make me feel unsettled.

Initially I found him thoughtful.  He would wait until others had finished speaking and then quietly offer a considered opinion. His energy was calm at these moments. However, any activity or discussion that went for  more than about 15 minutes and he would be jiggling and fidgeting. The worst thing was that he then had this smirk on his face and would throw comments in that were only audible to the people sitting immediately near him.  They would all laugh and then no one would make eye contact with me.  I didn't know what was being said, but it didn't feel good.

During small group activities he continued this persona and it started to feel like mockery. The group around him seemed to like him and respond positively to whatever he was saying but he was actually taking the group away from their task.

He was doing my head in and I felt myself becoming snippy - I was sick to death of his smirking and just wanted to tell him to stop and take things seriously. I resisted.  No purpose would be served by putting my stuff on the table in front of the group. I did however ask him to speak up so the whole group could hear his contributions. That slowed down the flow of comments but didn't remove the smirk.

I spoke to my cofacilitator about it. She wasn't having the same issue with him but she described him as "taking the piss".  Yes!  That's exactly what it felt like.

Overnight I examined what it was about his behaviour that was rattling my wind chimes.  It was both simple and complex.  Simply, I felt like he was mocking me, doing it in such a way that I couldn't call him on it without losing my authority in the group.  On another level, the program was about leadership and the fact he didn't appear to be taking it seriously. He didn't have to be there. Sure, his employer had sent him, but it seemed that that was the only reason he was there.

Mockery is such a hard thing to deal with. It's a very effective way of putting someone off balance. Depending on the status of the person doing it within their group it can also be a weapon to wield or steal power.  I think the man I encountered this week was stealing power.

So I did nothing about it. Whenever he would do it, I went into neutral body stance, listened and then offered no comments. After doing this a few times, his behaviour shifted. His focus turned to his peer group.  It was almost as though he was looking to them for validation.  They continued to respond, but he was getting nothing from me.

After two days of this, I was exhausted. I reflected and continued to wonder what it was about him that I had reacted to, but I also congratulated myself on being aware and not engaging with his behaviour.

What gets under your skin? Who gets under your skin? What do you do about it?

On my mind this week...ramblings.

I've been thinking.  Here's what's been on my mind this week.

Some people are really bad at hiding when they're about to tell you something they are uncomfortable with.  They think they're hiding it by not "saying" it.  But they are saying it - with their ticks, gestures and shifting eye contact.

The power of saying sorry, sincerely, and taking responsibility is immense.

What's the gracious response to such power?

Everything depends on all people being clear about their role and equipped with the skills to fulfill their role.  (My favourite question I ask when I'm leading people is "is there anything I'm asking you to do that you don't know how to do?")

Accounts departments in big organisations (eg universities) should pick up the phone more often.  Why do they dwell in the world of letters and post when a conversation over the phone would address many things?

People seem very confronted by shows of intense emotion, even when the emotion is a valid and reasonable response to circumstances.  Human beings are emotional creatures.  There is never a time when we are without emotion.

Music is a powerful expression of emotion. It unites. It divides. It can provide an outlet. It can empathise. It can mean different things in different situations.  It can be universal.

Plastic bags and old towels do not go in the recycling.  Neither do carpets.  Or bodies.

When a friend says he's "putting the chooks in",  "the oven" is not the only way that sentence can be finished.

I had the best end to an intense day at the end of an intense week. I walked out into the sunshine with three friends and colleagues. We were silly and playful together.  Intense feelings dropped away as laughter took over.

What's on your mind this week?

To berate or not to berate...?

One of the team was late to this morning's simulation.  The call time was for 8:15am and by 8:30 he had not arrived and I hadn't heard from him.

I called the agency to confirm (again) that he was actually booked.  He was.

They called him.

They called me back.

"He's on his way.  He says he'll be there in about 20 minutes."

"What happened?"

"I'll let him explain his circumstances when he gets there."

Right.  In that moment I had a number of thoughts going through my mind:

1.  Was he okay?
2. Thank goodness I follow theatre traditions and call people to be on set one hour before we film.
3.  Why didn't he ring me?
4. Was he okay?

He arrived at just after 9am.  A little under 15 minutes before the simulation was due to start.   Taking one look at him, I could see he was giving himself a good talking to.

My first question was "Are you okay?"

He was.  He instantly apologised and explained that he'd been out the night before, didn't set the alarm and so had slept in.  Points for honesty.

I asked him not to worry about that for now and focus on the work we were about to do.  I coached him to get his head straight and settle down.  His energy was nervy and sparky - not what was required for a mental health simulation with an anxious (simulated) patient.  We would talk afterwards.

The simulation went ahead and afterwards he apologised again.  I didn't say it was okay - he looked like he was waiting for that.  Then he said, "It's not okay.  I'm disappointed in myself.  It shouldn't happen."

I replied:  "No it shouldn't happen.  Now, do you have my number in your phone?  I'm not going to say anything else because I can see that you're being harder on yourself than I ever would be.  I trust that you'll be here for the next call on time and if something happens you'll call me.  Thanks for your work today."

He left.

I haven't been confronted with this issue for ages. I'm a firm believer that people are doing their best and that adults should be allowed to take responsibility for themselves.  I believe the approach I took will be more effective than an angry outburst.  I think he told me the truth about what happened and that is also to be respected.

What's your approach when a member of your team does something unacceptable?

Observations from the balcony of a Shakespearean drama - aka Australian parliament

Sitting on the tarmac at Adelaide airport waiting for the plane's doors to close, I received a text message from a friend.  The gist was that my friend was watching the news and couldn't believe this was happening again.  I barely had enough time to read it before I was instructed to turn my phone off.  I guessed the news to which she referred was probably about the leadership of the Australian Labor Party. I'd briefly caught up on the news while waiting for my flight and it seemed that the leadership rumblings were gathering steam.

The moment we landed and were given permission to turn phones back on, I dived for mine.  My phone went crazy with messages about what was unfolding.  My friends and I often talk politics and as a former union leader they often ask my opinion.

I couldn't contain myself and announced to fellow passengers that Australia had a new Prime Minister and his name was Kevin Rudd.  Again.

I shook my head and worried about the off-handedness with which the office of Prime Minister was being treated by the ALP;  surely changing leaders was the domain of the opposition party?  What would the Australian public think about this attitude?  Would we trust them to hold the high office again?  I worried.  Then I wondered about who would want to be leader in such a situation?  Some would argue that it's a selfless and necessary act to take it on, but that's not my view.  I'm watching a Shakespearean drama play out and believe that the fourth act will see Kevin Rudd sitting on the windswept opposition benches kept company by a few people who didn't resign and managed to hold their seats and some tumbleweeds.  But he'll be leader.  It feels like that's what it's all about.

When I arrived home and turned on the television I started to understand more about what had happened and where people had lined up.  Bill Shorten had previously been one of the leaders to oust Rudd and replace a Prime Minister in his first term with Julia Gillard, the first woman to hold the office.  He swore support for her right up until last night when he switched to back Rudd.  I'd be nervous if he was backing me.  Did he even stop to wipe the knife?

Labor leaders often seem to make their best speeches in defeat.  Julia Gillard was magnificent last night.  I tried to imagine how I would be feeling if I had gone through the same thing.  It was hard to imagine such composure.  The other thing that struck me about her speech was its lack of ego - service was truly at her heart.

The next day, today, former Prime Minister Gillard sat on the backbenches while colleagues sang her praises.  It's a bizarre business, politics.  Prime Minister Gillard was not a perfect leader.  Well the news is that no one is!  No one has been!  No one is likely to be!  Perfection is not required of our male leaders; they seem to be given space to err.  The bar for a woman in the role was set to an unattainable height.

Echoing many of the sentiments on twitter, I now wait for the moment when Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott is asked about whether their wives are gay, thereby questioning their own sexuality as endured by Julia Gillard. I know that it won't happen. It's not really the point either, for if it did happen it would mean all respect had gone.  I do like to cling to the thought that a new path has been cut and that our second female Prime Minister will not have quite as hard a time and she will have Julia Gillard to thank for that.

When the world's less than perfect - what's your reaction?

It's been a bit bumpy lately.  My work is taking me outside Melbourne regularly.  I'm often working in a place I've never seen and have had no influence or input into the arrangements.  As a hired gun, this is business as usual.

I was recently working with someone for the first time on a particular program.  It's a program with which I'm so familiar I can facilitate it without reference to any of the paperwork.  The program has many different styles of engaging people, involves three rooms and video cameras, delicate timing and a particular set up for all of the rooms.  I have no control over any of this, but the impact of getting it right or wrong is enormous.  Last week, we encountered problem after problem with just about every aspect of the logistics and resourcing. My cofacilitator was becoming increasingly frazzled as she tried to juggle the competing demands on her time during the brief window available to prepare everything before participants started to arrive.

These difficulties were frustrating me too, but I'm very clear about what I can control and the boundaries of my job.  As I sent the person with local responsibility away to resolve one of the issues, my colleague shook her head and asked me how I could just trust that the problem would be resolved.  On one hand, she had a point.  The local coordinator was the person who had not paid attention to all the detail, so in many respects the problems were created by them.  On the other hand, I had no capacity to do two jobs!  I had to let the person get on with what they needed to do.

I had no option but to trust that person.

At first glance it can seem that I work independently, but this is not correct;  I work in a team.  All of the people in that team have different roles and many of us are never in the same place together, yet we all rely on each other.  I need them to fulfill their roles or I can't fulfill mine.  If I fail to deliver then all their work is for nothing.

This week I'm somewhere different and again the world is not perfect.  Lots of little things are not as they should be.  I've got to fulfill my role anyway.  So I take a breath and relax and adjust to the world that it is, rather than resenting the fact it's not the world I need it to be.

Observing reactions of different people is really interesting.  I'm sure that my reactions now are very different from how they might have been a year or two ago.  Understanding what I can influence and what I need to accept is a great thing to have gained.

So what's your reaction?  What do you do when things aren't as they need to be?  Do you roll with it or do you shut down?  Or perhaps you get angry and frustrated?  What could you do instead?

Being a woman in Australia today

It's a hard day to be a woman in Australia.  Yesterday, we were confronted with the disgusting and demeaning description of our Prime Minister Julia Gillard based on body parts with a nasty sexual undercurrent.  Today it's news of emails which are "derogatory and explicit" about women being circulated within the Australian Defence Force.  We're told that some of the perpetrators are senior leaders within the ADF.  All week the air waves have been filled with news about Jill Meagher's killer and his "career" of sexual violence against women and the failures of the parole system to keep violent offenders off our streets.  The coach of the Australian male soccer team also said that "women should shut up in public".

Last night I heard a female commentator effectively saying that while ever female genital mutilation and so-called honour callings exist, no right to be upset about the emails, the "jokes", the snide disrespect and behaviour exists.

Now I'm hearing a male caller to radio saying that sexism seems worse because women scream about it louder these days.

EXCUSE ME!  YES, I'M GOING TO PUSH BACK AGAINST SEXIST BEHAVIOUR AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT.  IT'S NOT OKAY.

When it happens to the Prime Minister and other men with power and authority to act against the perpetrators do nothing, then a general attitude of disrespect flows through the rest of our community.

To me, sexism and sexual harassment are as offensive and damaging as racism.  It hurts to be viewed as anything less than a person - a whole person with intelligence and emotions and talents.   Why should I be viewed differently, treated differently, shown disrespect, have my competence criticised, merely because I am a woman?  I can think of no good reason.

I remember turning up to the Australian Industrial Relations Commission once when I was a union official to represent a group of workers who were mainly men.  A dispute had been notified because of the employer's breaches of the enterprise bargaining agreement which laid out employment conditions.  Because of my capacity as a negotiator and advocate I was often sent to deal with things like this - I could solve the problem.  As I approached the front door I saw this tall, strapping man waiting for someone.  I thought there was a good chance that he was the workplace delegate.

I introduced myself and confirmed he was indeed the delegate.

His response was this: "Oh, so they sent us a girly," as he looked me up and down.

What a position to be put in.  I was reduced to being a vagina and breasts which in his mind seemed to mean I also had no brain.

Luckily I was sure of my capacities and knew that I had the backing and respect of the senior men within the union.  I gave him the opportunity to recover: "Sorry?  I didn't hear you..."

He repeated the same statement.

I shook my head and told him to sit down and say nothing unless addressed specifically.

We were appearing before another "girly" while the employer was represented by a male lawyer.

I won the day on behalf of the members.  From that moment, the delegate thought I was so fantastic I had to contend with him trying to follow me into my hotel room at the end of the day.  He didn't succeed and from that time on he was my greatest champion.

Imagine a world where he had confidence about whoever the union sent to represent the members and judgments of competence would be based purely on performance.  If I had been less experienced and lacked confidence, I could well have failed to perform as a result of his treatment.

At another time I remember being asked by a male employee (who was my junior) if I was considered to have large breasts.  The question was asked in front of other people in a public place.  After I caught my breath I looked him in the eye and asked him whether he was considered to have a small penis.  He blushed and realised what he had done.  I don't know if "tit for tat" is the right way to respond.  I wanted him to feel what I was feeling, to see what it was like to be degraded in that way.  It certainly had that impact.

In the lunch room today, I found myself eating lunch with four other women.  I initiated a conversation about the anti-woman atmosphere.  One of the women related a story of attending a law lecture in her first year at university and the lecturer proclaimed that women shouldn't practise law.  She went onto finish her degree at another university and headed out into a law firm where she was one of two women in the team.  "Team" lunches were held at a club that allowed only men and the boss regularly expressed frustrations about the problems caused by women practising law.

Even watching Celebrity Apprentice the other day, I noticed that in the team of four which had three men and one woman, it was the woman who fetched the soup.

I've worked with some wonderful men.  I really enjoy working with men.  I also enjoy working with women.  I love working with people who are passionate about what they do and enjoy being around others who are passionate and able.  I don't care if they're male or female.  I certainly don't think all men lack respect for women but I do think there's a bad atmosphere at the moment and it starts with the leaders.

So I will make no apology for calling out sexist behaviour.  I will do it loudly and I will keep doing it because that's the only way that people learn.  I hope you will too.

Staying true in stormy seas - what's your mindset?

One of the things I often have to do when I'm facilitating is challenge people's thinking.  Depending on the person, the response can vary widely.  Some people will understand that the "poke" is designed to get them thinking, while others will react to the discomfort they feel.  Some of these people will react strongly and fight back.

I find the latter reactions are more common than the former. As my experience as a facilitator has grown, I've noticed that I'm quite comfortable challenging people and stay calm and focussed even when I'm being attacked.

Over the last two days I've been working with a group who were not used to being challenged.  It looked like their expectations of training courses was that they would be lulled to sleep by endless power point slides and they would walk out two days later pretty much unchanged by the experience.  The conversations I facilitate are not like that at all and the first day can be bumpy!

At the end of today, I was pleased to hear the changes in people's thinking.  One participant unexpectedly said that he appreciated being challenged and admired the way I had held the frame even when under attack from the group.  Music to my ears!

I've been thinking about how I do this.  I've realised that my mindset is everything.  Here's what I've observed:

1. I'm there to challenge and provoke thinking while keeping everyone safe.

2. My role is not to be liked and be friends with everyone in the room.

3. I am not part of the group; I am in service of the group.

4. Moving out of one's comfort zone is necessary for learning to occur.

5. Adults know what they have to do and know the answers.  The conditions just have to be right for them to discover this or make decisions to act.  My job is to create and maintain those conditions - they're going to be different for everyone.

6. My job is to support people to think.

As a fairly fast paced extrovert, one of the things I have to be vigilant about is that I'm adjusting my pace to allow slower paced people or introverts time and space to think and then answer.  Once my pace is adjusted, I need to work on staying present in the conversation (rather than thinking about how the person needs to hurry up, for example).

It's so satisfying when people highlight what they discovered.  Often they will thank me for that poke or prod I gave them that shoved them out of their comfort zone.  It's then that I am reminded that staying true in the stormy seas was the gift that I gave to the group.

I changed someone's life today - how was your day?

After a long day and an early start tomorrow, I just want to share that I made a difference to someone's life this week.  Having made that difference, other lives will also change.  For the better.

In leadership conversation I often find myself reminding leaders what lens they use when they look at their people - do they view people with suspicion, expecting them to do a bad job, or do they expect they're all doing their best?

For people with a negative lens this can be very confronting.  It can turn the heat up for many people, which usually means some focussed argument back in my direction.  I know this and I choose to do it anyway.  Moments like today make it worthwhile.

One of the leaders with whom I'd been in conversation for two days told me that idea of expecting people to be doing their best was revolutionary and was going to change everything.  This leader had most things worked out but they described to me a sense that there was still something missing.  This new lens was the missing piece - their mindset was now aligned to their purpose of wanting to support and develop people.  With the wrong mindset, everyone was disappointed.

The leader was energised and excited as they described this revelation and life changing realisation. They touched me on the arm while we were talking and then apologised for touching me, acknowledging they were a "touchy-feely" person.  I said it was okay and asked if they'd like a hug. It was lovely.

Who have you influenced today?  Who has influenced you? How will you be different tomorrow?