Christmas wishes - with a twist

I'm switching off for Christmas holidays. I'll be spending time with family, heading off to music camp to write my annual song and generally lying around with a book (well, my e-reader actually).

Thank you to you, my readers; you add a very special dimension to divacultura. Knowing you're out there means a lot.

I wish you peace, joy and love - whatever your beliefs.

Or in "Spanish":

For lease navidad!
© divacultura 2013

NB I did not deface this sign, just noticed it in the street and laughed out loud. Now try getting the song out of your head!

A new take on Christmas carols - for the psychiatrically challenged

I received this list from a member of my vocal group. I was eating toast when I read it and am still finding bits of soggy toast in the computer keyboard and stuck to the wall as a result of the guffaw that resulted as I read it. On one hand, it's lazy for me to repost this, but on the other hand, so accurate I'm thinking of including it in briefings for actors working in my mental health simulation program.

Thank you to whoever wrote this list!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells .

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock .

Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Talk about pop music - what's it all about?

In one of the offices where I work, there is a radio tuned to commercial radio and it is on all the time. Without this, the space would be deathly quiet and the only sound would be me, talking on the telephone. I quite like working in an environment with a level of noise, so it doesn't bother me.

In the last few days, it has been quieter than usual. In this quietness the music becomes even more prominent. I noticed it when some singer was pleading to please be allowed to see inside, you're beautiful.  That's how I heard the lyric.  The lyrics are actually "would you let me see beneath your beautiful?"

With the realisation that I was imagining a  non-existent apostrophe, came an even larger realisation about just how ridiculous this song is.  What - or where - exactly, is my "beautiful"?  Do I even have one? How do I find it? What will happen if I do?

I spoke one of my thoughts aloud (if that guy asked to see my beneath beautiful, I'd punch him on the nose) and that led to the silence being broken by a lively discussion about the commercial radio playlist. 

"I wish that girl who's on fire would just burn!"

"I'm sick of Rhianna!"

"And they always play Adele."

"There's a fire burning in my heart...even Adele is burning!"

"That guy will be back wanting to see my beautiful in a couple of hours. I don't think I even want to see his!"

"Do boys even have one?"

I started thinking about the winning formula for current commercial success: angst, whining, some connection to incendiary devices, dodgy metaphors and bad grammar. At the risk of being accused of being a 19th Century grammarian, apostrophes matter!  (As opposed to apostrophe's matter, which is a completely different proposition.)

So my answer to the question dominating the airwaves is "please state your request clearly and avoid the use of metaphor!"

Would you let someone see beneath your beautiful? Can you draw me a diagram?  What songs are driving you nuts at the moment?

My favourite things - this week

1. You may remember meeting Rose Wintergreen right here on divacultura.  Rose crowd-funded her album and I was very happy, willing and privileged to be able to contribute.  My favourite moment of week was reading about the release of her single, Feet in the Sand. You can read more and listen over on her blog.  What do you think?  I LOVE it!  If you like it too, pass it on!

2. This morning I set aside time to write a first draft of a book chapter that I'm collaborating with several other people on.  I'd had a few false starts in actually putting words down, but the ideas had been whirling around in my head for a while. I knew it was just a case of having a block of time and no distractions.  I put Bach's cello suites played by Yo-Yo Ma on the stereo and pretty soon I had exceeded the word requirement. I know that it's a first draft and now the task of editing and blending with my collaborators has to occur, but it is always thrilling to see ideas come to life on the screen/page. There's the additional excitement of discovering new insights as fresh connections are made.

3. I managed to get tickets for Sunday's AFL final match between my team, Richmond, and Carlton. Technically my friend got the tickets and they came with the news that we would need to hire a sherpa, take oxygen and leave now to get to our seats at the Melbourne Cricket Ground in time to watch the match.  I don't care!  I'm so excited.  Richmond hasn't played in the finals since 2001 and I've never been to a finals match at the MCG.  I figure you just have to do it!  As a consequence of actually going to the footy, I have had to put a hold on my lack of love for the colour yellow.  Richmond's colours are yellow and black and I just can't go without sporting my team colours.  I managed to snag the last ball of yarn in the perfect shade of yellow and figure I can knit a yellow and black beanie in time for Sunday's match.

4. My physio's declaration that it is possible for my knee to fully recover was definitely a good moment..  This made me very happy after struggling to zip my boots this morning.  (The angles were all wrong.)  Apparently my PCL (posterior cruciate ligament) has been stretched so far that it hasn't sprung back.  It's like an elastic band that has stretched too far.  Despite this, my physio is confident that with exercise and treatment it will regain its elasticity.  (My physio contributed another favourite moment when we were discussing the soreness in my left arm which had probably resulted from the fall that injured my knee.  The muscle I've hurt is called the "supraspinatus".  I heard her tell me I'd hurt my "super bananas". I felt lucky.  Imagine if it was my ordinary bananas!)

5.Waiting on platform 9 at Flinders Street Station today, I watched people on platform 10 running for the train.  Human beings move in some mysterious way:. the squat woman, struggling with several bags, her body engaged in multi-directional undulation; the neat Asian man wearing a backpack shuffling, Cliff Young style - not very fast but certainly tidy;  the confidence of the long-legged lunge of a besuited, bespectacled, bebearded man;  the weirdly stiff-legged gait of the man in too-skinny jeans; the small pointless steps of the woman in stilettos running for her life to catch that train; the hopeful striving of the wannabe medalist, slowing and slumping as hope fades that he can make it before the doors shut.

What was your favourite thing this week?

Your opportunity to support new music.

Remember the fabulous Rose Wintergreen?  She featured here almost a year ago.

One of the things I really admire about Rose is that she sets out to do things and then she does them!  Rose decided to make an album and so started to really focus on her songwriting.  When she had enough songs she booked in the studio and the producer and now she's recording in Alice Springs.

I wanted to let you know because Rose's new record is being crowd funded.  It was Rose's birthday yesterday and my gift is to spread the word about what she needs.  You can contribute to the birth of new music over here.

Rose has put a lot of thought into the rewards she can offer for your contribution.  It's a pretty amazing list - from copies of the finished product, to the gorgeous dress she's wearing in the promo shot to an intimate house concert or personal concert over Skype!  Wow.

You can also opt not to take a reward.  Maybe you could donate the price of your coffee today.

Happy Birthday Rose!  Can't wait to hear your music.

*Disclosure: Rose wrote a song about divacultura for last year's first birthday competition. (Lyrics are here.)  So I might be a bit biased.  Ok, I'll come clean - I'm a fan!

Question Time - Who are Nerds & Music

This week's Question Time guest is my favourite Newcastle-based-folk-comedy-duo - Nerds & Music.  I'll let you know who the other ones are later.  I met these fine fellows, Wayne Thompson and Clark Gormley, at Summersong Music Camp a few years back and have been enjoying their company ever since.  

In restless moments where the members of the band needed to explore other projects, they've turned to me - separately - as a fellow musician and writer.  Clark and I co-wrote the hit song "Synaesthesia Blues".  It became apparent quickly that our audience was very boutique and limited to people who know what synaesthesia is without the need to check a dictionary.  Wayne and I co-wrote the marginally more successful song "Felafel (W)rap".  Both songs premiered at Summersong.  It's a privilege to share a by-line with each of them.  

Clark has a habit of calling me just before his room service dinner arrives.  (Perhaps I could market myself as a charming, remote dinner companion...)  Wayne and I talk about typography and design and stuff.

They're witty and clever and I highly recommend that you go to a gig if they're playing nearby.  There's a gig listing at the end of the post.  If not, here's an opportunity to spend some time with Nerds & Music.

(Wayne's responses are first because he answered first.)

1. Who are Nerds and Music? Which one is which?

Wayne: Obviously Clark is the Nerd and I am the Music, although I guess that depends on which one of us responds first to these questions. Clark's profession is actually much nerdier than mine, he's an engineer see? I'm a Type Designer, which is MUCH more mainstream...

Wayne Thompson & Clark Gormley are Nerds & Music.

Clark: Wayne’s the Nerd and I’m the ampersand in the middle.  (BTW you misspelt our band name Tanya. I’m also a pedant.)  As for the Music, we’re still looking.

2. Where do you get inspiration for your music?

Wayne: Use of the word 'inspiration' suggests my music is actually 'inspired' in some way. It's not. It just comes to me. Often in response to some stimuli in my environment, such as the smell of freshly cut grass (as in the song 'Geez I Like Your Grass'). It's like a bolt from the blue, I mean, I see or hear something and 'bang', there's a lyric or tune in my head. But "inspiration"? C'mon! I think you better look it up in the dictionary!

Clark: Shamington Theelswaite, Ergatomics, Aratcothinswit.  You probably don’t recognise the names because they’re in an alternate universe.

3. What's your writing routine?

Wayne: Get up. Eat. Avoid writing. Go to bed.

No, seriously, it's actually more complicated than that. Sometimes I spend the day on Facebook.

Oh, allRIGHT... ACTUAL answer: I don't have a routine. I always carry a notebook, because ideas have a habit of occurring at inopportune moments. Except in the shower, I don't take my notebook there, that would be absurd. Ironically, the fact that ideas often occur to me in the shower inspired the song 'Bugger Bum', about the cursing that occurs when you forget an inspirational idea because it occurred to you in the shower, and then you forgot it due to the lack of opportunity to write it down.

Clark: Two writers walk into a bar.  They sit at either end of the bar, and take out their laptops and start writing jokes about the sort of people who walk into bars.  After a while of listening to the rattle of their fingers against the plastic keys, the barman screams “Get out of here!”

The writers ask “Why?”

The barman says “I can’t stand this stereotyping!”

4. What's your favourite word?

Wayne: Transmogrify. I've always wanted to be able to use it in conversation.


Clark: Nerd is the word.

5. If you could script your dying words, what would they be?

Wayne: Please take your knee out of my groin (with a nod to Mel Brooks).

Clark: Aaaaarrrrrrghrhhhhggghhhhrrrhhshhhhhaaaaarrrrrrhhhhh

6. What gets your hanky in a twist?

Wayne: The washing machine. And poor punctuat.ion

Clark: The ready availability of tissues.

7. What's your ambition for Nerds and Music.

Wayne: Where's the question mark? Man, I hate sloppy grammar... that really gets my hanky in a ... erm... sorry. Where was I? My ambition for Nerds & Music would be to transmogrify (ha! I did it!) from a folk duo into an electric blues band. Full drum kit, screaming guitar solos, and lots of tattoos. Some say this might be ambitious. I say reach for the sky. But don't tell Clark, I don't think he'd like it. (Ed: I think he's going to find out...)

Clark: To make it through to the end of the day. 

And maybe to get a drummer.

To play the theme tune to the next series of Big Bang Theory.

8. What blogs do you read? What else are you reading?

Wayne: I can only wish I had the time to read blogs! In between Facebooking, Ipodding and cat-feeding, who's got time for blogs? .... What?... um.. er yes, and work, of course.

Clark: Tanya’s fabulous blog Divacultura.  (Ed: Actually, it's written divacultura - with a lower case "d". Not that I'm a pedant...)

Links on Facebook to Tanya’s fabulous blog Divacultura.

Actually, I really am reading “How I became a Famous Novelist” by Steve Hely.  A very funny book.  It was recommended to me by Tanya, who has a fabulous blog called Divacultura.

9. Finish this sentence, "If we weren't making music we'd be...."

Wayne: "If we weren't making music we'd be playing other people's music."

Clark: Making license plates.  Nerds & Music saved us from a life of white collar crime.  I’d already started stealing white collars. 


Find Nerds & Music on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/NerdsAndMusic

To discover Wayne's typographical design work: www.atf.com.au

As for upcoming gigs, we’re very busy over the next month:

Nerds Storm The Terrace!

Friday, July 27, 2012.8:00pm. The Terrace Bar, 529 Hunter St Newcastle

Nerds & Music make their Terrace Bar debut at Newcastle's newest live music venue.

Nerds & Music will play all their hit to an adoring audient. Why not come along and make it two?

And what better location to play our homage to Hunter Street, the Milk Crate song (with apologies to Bob Hudson and Dave & The Deros).

Nerds are sharing the bill with veteran Australian country performer Daisy Burr, who is visiting Newcastle to buy a new set of venetians for her 72 XY Ford Falcon Station Wagon. 

Next Fairlight Folk Sat August 11th 7:30pm.

3 William St, Fairlight (the old Baptist Church just down from Sydney Rd).

Mick Conway and Robbie Long, Nerds & Music (Clark Gormley & Wayne Thompson) and Rebecca Moore. www.fairlightfolk.com

Nerds are also regulars at Club Sandwich Cabaret (first Friday of the month in Newcastle).  Clark will be solo MC for the next CSC as Wayne has soccer commitments.  

Club Sandwich for August will be celebrating National Science Week

Friday August 3, 8pm

$20 admission

It’s all in the Science…

And what exactly does that mean? Poor old science has been taking a beating recently – alternately blamed, held up as irrefutable, used or abused, mostly by those who haven’t had to present an abstract, method, results and conclusion in their entire life.

At the run in to National Science Week, Club Sandwich is going to employ rigorous scientific method to examine many of the issues that affect us in everyday life, from our upcoming bumper crop of atmospheric CO2 to why we have to choose cheque or savings when paying by eftpos.

Science has made our lives infinitely better and brought vast practical understanding to so many things including health, the environment, technology and now even God via the Higgs boson (who’d a though it!?). Pop on a knitted vest and some warm socks to wear with your Dunlop volleys as we uncover the odd, the eccentric and the almost unbelievable people and events that have shaped this mind expanding odyssey.

Appropriately, MC for the evening is that nerd Clark Gormley.

Royal Exchange

32-34 Bolton Street Newcastle 2300 (02) 4929 4969

www.royalexchangenewcastle.com.au
http://www.clubsandwichcabaret.com/

Life lessons from "Love is in the Air"

Listening to Libbi Gorr on the radio tonight and she's playing John Paul Young's song "Love is in the Air" a hit from 1978. I wasn't very old in 1978 but I know this song very well because it featured in Baz Lurhmann's 1992 film "Strictly Ballroom".

"Love is in the Air" suited the daggy, romantic melodrama and the song had a second life as a hit.

It's also familiar to me because in 1994 I attended a music theatre summer school in Brisbane.  Todd McKenney was the dance teacher and he had us all doing the rumba to "Love is in the Air". I hear the opening bars and I'm back there on stage at the Lyric Theatre, ready to rumba.  It was such a good time! There were about 80 of us I think.  We had all auditioned for one of the hotly contested places.  High profile music theatre producers, directors and musical directors were our tutors and the focus was on audition techniques.

We spent a week being put through our paces as singers, actors, dancers and putting it all together in an audition situation. I worked on Miss Hannigan's song "Little Girls" from "Annie"  It was exhausting and wonderful.  And always so much easier for the blokes because they were so scarce.  There were plenty of women and so every audition was very competitive.  The cattle calls were such a brutal process.

I remember queueing for hours outside a night club in Brisbane's Fortitude Valley for an audition for the musical "Rent".  I was very well prepared after the summer school.  The line was moving really fast - never a good sign.  That meant that people were being dismissed on the basis of their look or the sound of their first two notes.  I walked into the room and had the opportunity to start my song.  I started to sing and expected to be dismissed with a "thank you" at any moment.  It didn't happen!  I got through my entire song! I wasn't called back, but I was thrilled that I'd been able to sing my whole song, rather than just being dismissed on my look.  It was like being a writer and having my manuscript rejected, but at least this time, they'd read it!  A lot of it was because I'd learnt how to walk in, claim the space as mine and make people pay attention.

I learnt my most important lesson as an actor out of this.  I always walk away knowing I've given my best possible performance.  If I don't get the job it's because I'm not what they're looking for and I don't take it personally.  This is a handy thing for life in general!  So is the ability to grab the attention of a room.

I do my best and the rest is out of my control.