Life at 9 and gratitude

I've come across many people this week who are in some kind of pain. Often their pain has been caused by their efforts to control things that are not within their control.

I also watched the excellent show on the ABC, Life at Nine which is following children as they grow up. This week's episode was about creativity and not only was it interesting to watch the children, but I also learned a bit about myself. 

These experiences influence what I'm grateful for everyday:

1. I am grateful for my creativity.

2. I am grateful for my imagination.

3. I am grateful for my resilience.

4. I am grateful for my own company.

5. I am grateful for my failures.

6. I am grateful that I have the capacity to write this post.

7. I am grateful that I have the freedom to publish this post.

8. I am grateful for the opportunities my parents gave me.

Here's two of my favourite photos from the week.

Shadow bike
© 2014 divacultura

Shot tower, Melbourne Central
© 2014 divacultura

What are you grateful for? Have you been watching the Life Series? Who's your favourite? (Mine's Wyatt, but don't tell anyone.)

Farewell Amanda - reflecting on life and death.

Amanda with the Love Rug knitted for her, square by square.
Used with permission.

Today I went to a funeral. The funeral was for Amanda Rynne about whom I've written before. Only two years ago, I wrote about the contribution I'd made to a "love rug" for her following the news that she had breast cancer.

Today we said goodbye.

I didn't know Amanda that well, but am very close with people who were very close to her.  I went to her funeral to mark the fact she and I were connected and show myself as part of the community of people touched by her.  I also went to support my friends who were also close to her.  A very large church was filled with people dressed in red at Amanda's request.  There was laughter and there were many tears as stories were told and life and death contemplated.

Melbourne turned on wild and unpredictable weather. Throughout the service, the wind sounded like a woman humming.  I imagined that it was Amanda singing as we heard about Amanda's love of music.  This contemplation was interrupted by the sound of a baby gurgling or crying. I thought about the bookends of life; beginnings and endings; innocence and pain.

The blanket we made for Amanda rested on her coffin today.  My first glimpse of it caused the first tears of many to flow.  I walked out with a handbag filled with soggy tissues.

Forty-one is young to have life taken away.  I reflected on my own life and wondered whether I'm living it in the best way, fulfilling it in every aspect. It's good to think about these things.

I drove another friend back to her home afterwards and we shared a cup of tea together.  Her extroverted four year old daughter came out and introduced herself.  She gave me a hug and asked where we had been.  I told her that we had been saying goodbye to a friend.  Of course she asked why we were saying goodbye.  I told her that our friend wasn't coming back anymore.  She thought about this and nodded and then told me she really liked my shoes! It was lovely to be surrounded by the life pulsing through this little girl.

And so life goes on.

The news on the radio in the car as I drove to work carried a story about new drugs available for the treatment of breast cancer.  I hope they work. Too many lives are affected by this disease.

One thing that has stuck in my mind from the homily was that there are only three things you need to be able to say to the people in your life: I love you. I'm sorry. I forgive you.

Amanda, I'll miss seeing your gorgeous photographs on Instagram.  It was nice to know you Amanda, even a little bit. It was clear from today's turn out that you touched many people. A life well lived.

Taking stock

Spring seems like a good time to take stock and I've been inspired by this list over at Meet me at Mike's.

Making : Socks
Cooking : silverbeet, feta and lentils
Drinking : tea with milk, no sugar
Reading: The Accursed by Joyce Carol Oates
Wanting: my knee to heel - NOW.
Looking: in my yarn stash
Playing: Bach on the piano
Wasting: nothing
Fixing: other people's mistakes
Deciding: on surgery
Wishing: I didn't have to
Enjoying: being able to dry sheets and towels on the clothesline
Waiting: for nothing.
Liking: my life
Wondering: if it will all be okay
Loving: my friends
Pondering: creativity
Considering: tax
Watching: Season 4 of Justified.
Hoping: client bookings will pick up soon
Marvelling: at how fast the year is going
Needing: friends
Smelling: Magnolia perfume
Wearing: pink
Following: the saga of the Australian Labor Party leadership
Noticing: grey hairs
Knowing: more will appear 
Thinking: about why a particular person drives me up the wall
Feeling: that I should not let her drive me up the wall.
Admiring: Ella Fitzgerald's vocal quality
Buying: John Mayer's latest album, Paradise Valley
Getting: ready
Bookmarking: catch up TV for the new season of Survivor.
Opening: up
Giggling: frequently.
Feeling: blessed.

How are things with you?

Oh no - where's my CV?

Currently I'm working with a group of workers who have been subject to a restructure by their employer.  The employer is offering a series of workshops to assist them to get their resumes in order, reflect on their career plan and prepare for interview.

The typical profile of these people is that they have been with the one organisation long term - anywhere from twelve to thirty years; sometimes in the one role or part of the business.  People attending the workshops are experiencing a variety of emotions - some are angry, others feel betrayed, but most are quietly nervous and fearful.  They know they need to dust off their CV but don't really know how to do it.  They've been in the one place for so long they can't imagine themselves anywhere else.

The amazing thing is that as participants go beyond thinking about their skills and think about what they really value in life, there have been some big breakthroughs.  Chins start to wobble, lips thin and eyes start to fill with tears as realisations about how they don't really fit the place they've been in for the last decade or two.

I didn't know how much I was suppressing part of myself  while I worked for one organisation.  I was exercising one part of myself, but the other part lay dormant and actually had to be put away every day.  I'd put the armour on to the enter daily combat.  I didn't know it at the time; it was only after I left that I gained this perspective.  Friends told me that I was nicer to be around and it was great to see me be more like myself more of the time.

I find this experience is profound for me as well as I listen to them describe how they have to suppress their natural inclinations five days a week in order to fulfill the requirements of the job.  Worse, at the beginning of the workshops they tell me that they're wanting to apply for one of the new roles in the new structure.  By the end of the workshops they have the skills to do that but they're feeling uneasy because they know they should look outside.  I wonder whether they will?  Will they hold their resolve to be happy at work or will they succumb to the economic realities of a well-paying position and fight to hang on to something they don't really want?

I hope they hang on to their resolve, but I know that most won't and it will take the universe giving them a kick up the backside to make them act in their own true interests.  There is pain ahead, but at least they're equipped.

Are you in the right job?  What do you truly value?  Are your values and the values of the organisation for which you work aligned? If they're not, what do you need to do?

What raised my eyebrows today

Whenever anything happens in the British royal family, I expect there will be a wave of fervour that will cause most unexpected results.

I noticed a pattern on Ravelry offering instructions for me to knit my own Prince George, complete with Kate and Will. On further investigation I notice that I am behind as I missed the earlier offering enabling me to knit my own royal wedding!

One thing led to another and suddenly I'm on the Book Depository website discovering books with titles such as "Knit your own dog", Knit your own cat", "Knit and Purl pets", "Knit your own zombie", "Knit your own moustache".

There are lots of references to "knitting bibles".  I had always assumed that the term "bible" used in this context meant a comprehensive guide to knitting.  Now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps it contains instructions to knit my own bible.  This could either be an actual book or the characters in the bible.

How about this fanciful title:  "Knit in a day for baby".  This is clearly written by someone who doesn't actually have a baby.  I don't have one, but I know enough to know that if I had one, I wouldn't have time to do anything in a day, let alone knit something.  I think I would start the planning for the 21st birthday present early.

******

I walked past a promotional poster for a show at the Arts Centre and was surprised that a piece of advertising would have such a lukewarm tag line.  I read: "This show is mildly entertaining!" Wow. Can't wait to see that one.

The exclamation mark seemed remarkably out of place!

I looked again.

It actually said that the show is "wildly entertaining!"

The punctuation now made sense.

*****
Another season of "Big Brother" is broadcasting on television right now.  I feel the passage of time as I notice my lack of desire to have a look.

*****

An email from a friend who is currently in Edinburgh advised me that Melbourne's temperature today was actually 3 degrees warmer than the temperature over there.  So much for summer.  I gain a new understanding of why the Scottish woman at music camp that time had no idea what to do with a sarong.

I hope your week started well.

What raised your eyebrows today?

What you need to know when the zombie apocalypse happens.

Here's what I learned from watching World War Z.  I thought I'd share it with you so we're all prepared for the zombie apocalypse when it comes.  You might think that Brad Pitt's new movie is a work of fiction, but it's actually an instructional video if you know how to interpret it.  I've taken the hard work out for you.

1.  Whenever you leave the house, wear shoes you can run in.

2.  Whenever you leave the house, take all essential medication in large amounts with you.

3.  If you're in a traffic jam and need to get out, follow the runaway garbage truck.  It will cut a path through all the parked cars.  Be careful when it tips over though, you could end up being crushed to death.  Never mind the zombies.

4. Make sure you're well connected to the UN and that they have your mobile number.  Stay in touch while you're away, otherwise they'll assume you're dead and throw your family to the zombies.

5. Know how to fly a plane.

6. Know how to use a gun.

7. When refueling aircraft at deserted Korean airbase, put your mobile phone on silent and make sure the wheels of all the bikes you'll be riding are well oiled.  I'd recommend carrying a can of WD40 just in case.

8. Know how to do field surgery to perform things like amputations in the blink of an eye without much blood or pain with only a mini bottle of vodka and a pencil handy.

9. Look for the nearest abandoned RV and steal it.  Just keep looking...it's there somewhere.

10. When you leave the RV to loot the nearest supermarket, don't leave the keys in there.  It won't be there when you come back, even if it was really hard to start about 5 minutes ago.  It will be gone in a flash.

11. If you're going to let the refugees in the safe zone sing joyfully make sure you hire a good sound engineer before you let them near the sound system.  For everyone's sake.

12.  When travelling in an aircraft, always keep your seatbelt fastened, low and tight over your hips.

13.  Become some kind of scientist who knows about biology, viruses, bacteria and that kind of stuff.  It's helpful in all kinds of ways.

14.  Carry a roll of gaffer tape.  This is a good life habit to have even when there are no zombies.

15.  See if you can find Brad Pitt.  He's indestructible and can do all of the above.

And the one thing I didn't learn  - and also didn't find out when I read the book - do zombies have bad breath?  It seems like they would.

When I was eleven

Today I popped into the Sun Theatre in Yarraville to see the film, "I am Eleven".  It's a series of interviews with eleven year old children from all over the world.  They talk about their lives and share their thoughts on life, culture, religion, war and many other things.

If you can, take the time to see this film.  It is funny, astonishing and humbling.

It's extraordinary to hear Remi from France talk about the three types of love there are in the world: love for family; love for people you know, but who aren't your family; and love for people you don't know.  I haven't spent a lot of time with eleven year olds, so I don't have a benchmark to know whether this is what eleven year olds generally sound like.  Remi also had clear views about racism and the French Government's tough immigration laws.  It was incredible to hear him speak and refer to himself as a citizen of the world.

Vandana and Ginisha live in an orphanage in Kerala in India.  They have meagre possessions and speak about never having known a father's love, yet they see the beauty in their shabby, even squalid, surroundings.  Their wide smiles and ambitions for themselves in the face of a very hard start in life brings tears to my eyes.

Billy from the UK has a perpetually worried look on his face and an adult turn of phrase.  He's a comedian but it's hard to know if he knows this.  He speaks about growing up, getting married, having children, grandchildren and then "boom, it's all over".  He seems non-plussed but the cinema audience roars with laughter.  His favourite films are "Dirty Dancing 1 and 2" because of the great dance moves.

Kimberly from New Jersey in the US precociously enacts the scene of her future marriage proposal.  Her Jersey accent is pronounced and it all happens on one date.  It's a boy she will meet in college and he will tell her that he likes her hair.  It's all over after that.

Since seeing the film, I've been trying to think about what I was like at eleven.

I know that I had reached the height I would be (167cm) and had already reached puberty. It was really hard to buy age appropriate shoes.

I was bigger than everyone except the Egyptian girl Dahlia Aziz which meant I had to play Goal Defence or Goal Keeper in the netball team and was always cast in the male parts in school plays.

I had piano lessons, played for as many hours a day as I possible could and attended "gourmet cookery for children" classes with Mrs Quade at the TAFE in Toowoomba.  This meant I cooked dinner for the family on Tuesdays.  I look back at the recipes and laugh at the idea they were considered gourmet, but still remember techniques I learned there like how to skin fresh tomatoes for cooking.

I was in love with Bo Duke (played by John Schneider), the blond one from the TV show, "The Dukes of Hazzard" and would throw a tantrum if I wasn't allowed to watch the show.  My bedroom was wall-papered with pictures of him I had torn from American fan magazines.

I would ride my bike all over town.  I was given a new bike after my brother dismantled my old one and had pieces left over after reassembly.  My parents asked me to take the garbage outside which I did in a huff and returned.  I hadn't even seen the brand new bike waiting for me!

Days would be consumed by reading novels, one after the other.  I think it was at about this age I decided that I would read every novel in the school library, starting with the letter A.  I think I made it to C.

It was at the age of eleven that my worst dental experience occurred, leaving me with a lifelong fear.

My best friend was Angela Seymour.

I think I was in love with Philip Hamilton or Treg Kleidon or one of those boys.  I don't think it was reciprocated, but Philip did attend a college ball with me while we were at university.

I wanted to be an actress or a writer or a musician.

It's interesting to think how much of the person I am today, thirty years later, was evident at the age of eleven.  A good age I think.

What were you like when you were eleven?  Would you recognise yourself?

Question Time - who is Jenny Peers?

A couple of weeks ago I received an email from Jenny Peers.  I'd obviously signed up to her mailing list when I saw her art somewhere.  In a moment of space, I read this email and learned about her Gratitude Card Project.  I had to speak to this woman!  The idea of creating a beautiful way to commemorate a moment of gratitude appealed immensely.  Combining it with social media to explore interconnectedness made the whole thing even more interesting.  I signed up to be an ambassador immediately.

My cards came wrapped in purple tissue paper it was like receiving a gift.  They are gorgeous and I felt a pang of regret at the thought of giving them away.  Then I realised that commemorating a moment of gratitude with something beautiful is significant and generous.  Jenny found the mandalas which are printed on the cards through ordinary sources like nature and textiles.  I can't wait to give them away and show my appreciation to people.  (I regularly thank people, but I think the significance of this can often be lost in the hurly burly of our lives.  And people often aren't very good at receiving thanks!)

We met yesterday at The Hub in Melbourne and had a lively conversation over a couple of hours.  We discovered that our lives overlap in interesting ways.  I learnt a lot!  I hope you enjoy meeting Jenny Peers as much as I did.

What inspired the Gratitude Card Project?
There's no simple answer to that.  It's a confluence of my interests.  I wear lots of hats.  I'm particularly interested in organisational culture.  To create a culture of innovation there needs to be organisational creativity, which needs collaboration, which needs trust which needs emotional maturity. I took myself on a "solo corporate retreat" to do a life review.  It was about exploring what I was put on earth to do.  I devised a set of rules for living.  Gratitude was one of these things

What do you hope to achieve with the Gratitude Card Project?
It's a combination of art, social science experiment and chaos and complexity theory.  I'm interested in the idea that one simple act can cause change.  What happens as a result of that act?  I'm also tracking where the cards go.  The cards are all numbered.  This enables us to note and remember the moment of gratitude.  The facebook page is a place to keep track and share stories.  If you're not on facebook you can still stay in touch via email.

I have this stuck on my fridge to remind me each day:  "Globally, there is a groundswell of opinion that the problems facing our planet can only be fixed in a spirit of creative collaboration, requiring a new way of interacting and being in the world.  So I am stepping up to the plate to do what I can to foster this new way of working, living and finding solutions.  My work will be with individuals, groups and organisations."

What are you grateful for?
Little things: health, my 5 faculties, living in this wonderful city, family, girlfriends, music.  Today.  At the end of each day I think about three things I am grateful for.  Even on the worst day there are always things to be grateful for.

If you were in charge for a day, what's the one thing you would do?
I'd wave my magic wand and rebalance the world's yin and yang.

What's your favourite word?
Curious.

If you could script your dying words what would they be?
"That was interesting."  I'd like that as my epitaph too.

What gets your hanky in a twist?
Ignorance.  Channel 7. Prejudice.  Politicians fiddling while Rome burns.  People talking at me.

If I wasn't doing what I'm doing now I'd be...
...doing something I've already done.  I'd be living out who I am, my life's purpose.  I like to think about a poppyseed.  In that tiny seed are all the instructions to make a poppy - the hairy stem, the petals, the colour, the stamen - everything that a poppy is.  That's what a life is.

Find out more and get a set of gratitude cards at the website: http://gratitudecardproject.com/
Follow and share stories on Twitter: @gratitudecards
Join the conversation on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Gratitude-Card-Project/218709621529387?ref=ts

START A RIPPLE OF YOUR OWN!
Jenny is generously offering five packs of 10 gratitude cards to giveaway to 5 lucky readers.  To be in the running to start a ripple of your own, leave a comment on this post and tell us what you'd like to thank someone for.

Entries close on Friday 7 September 2012 and are open to all readers, where ever you live.

When being one of the "best people" is dangerous.

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice."  

As I read this sentence from Ernest Hemingway I identified with his ideas.  These ideas align with my own aspirations.  

Then I read the next sentence:  "Ironically their virtues make them vulnerable, they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed."

I felt vulnerable just reading that and then I wrestled with my feelings.  Initially I wanted to argue with Hemingway, the writer I think of when I think of "masculine".  Then I started to think and remember.

Before I was a freelancer, I worked for a trade union in a variety of capacities.  I was an elected official for many years.  I was a campaign leader, a director, a negotiator, an industrial officer.  While I was doing it, I loved it.  It was challenging and dynamic.  Some of the battles were impossible, but it felt like they really mattered.  I took my role as an advocate and representative very seriously.  I had some wonderful colleagues and delegates to work with - some of these people remain important in my life.  There were others who I didn't enjoy being around, but recognised that we all shared the same values.  

What I didn't appreciate at the time was that "battle mode" was my default setting.  Sometimes the foe was recognisable because they were in the traditional role of employer or the conservative government.  Sometimes the enemy was less recognisable - they were the person sharing a table in the lunch room or reporting to me.  Being in battle mode meant putting armour on every day and being battle ready.  In terms of Hemingway's quote, I took risks regularly and it took courage; truth often looked different depending on who the audience was; I made enormous personal sacrifices in order to put the interest of members and working people before my own.  I still had a "feeling for beauty" but didn't have a lot of time to devote to it.  

I now know that this changed me.  I became quite hard.  Tough.  "Intimidating" was a word that was often used to describe me.  I hated that.  I didn't want to be known as that, even if it did mean I succeeded in meeting my responsibilities.  

At a music retreat about nine years ago, I had a life changing experience.  Before the celebration party, there was a ritual.  We were asked to think about what we wanted to let go of.  Then we were asked to find a natural object to represent that thing and bring it to the ritual.  I decided I wanted to give up my "hardness" and I found a stone to represent that.  

As we arrived at the door we were greeted.  The greeters held eye contact and physically "blessed" us (it wasn't a religious ceremony, more a spiritual one).   As I was being greeted, I felt a lump just under my sternum.  It moved up through my torso as I moved to the next stage of the ritual where I had my feet washed and dried.   As I was sitting there the lump was replaced by tears.  I started to weep, uncontrollably.  I held the stone and felt that I was indeed letting go of my hardness.  I placed the stone in a basket and all those objects were released into the ocean.

I was inconsolable for the next hour.  Raw emotion that had been bottled up for many years of being tough was now released.  Nobody thought I was weird, they seemed to know what was happening and I remember having my hand held by people I'd known for a mere four days, but who seemed to understand.

I felt different, refreshed.  The world looked different.  As the time to leave the retreat came, I became aware of my new found vulnerability.  I wondered how long I'd be able to stay "soft".  Would I be able to be like this and continue my work?   I was conscientious about this, but also aware of the need to protect myself.  That was not sustainable.  Spending time appreciating beauty and creating beauty helped but sometimes it was a struggle to fit it in.  Accidental opportunities did not often arise.

I'm pleased to say that I now spend a lot of time appreciating and creating beauty.  It has required a complete change in my life.  At the time, the change was traumatic and frightening, but now I know that it was the best thing.  It facilitated a way for me to live more truthfully.  

As I consider this now, I know that I am very fortunate.  I'm still drawn to work in conflict, but my mindset is completely different and my investment is different.  In a way, conflict resolution and facilitation is a way of creating beauty.  When human beings find a way to see past their differences there is beauty to be seen.

So despite the dangers, I do strive to be one of the "best people" as described by Hemingway.  Friends have told me that I'm nicer to be around too.

How about you?  Do you have balance in your life? Are you living truthfully?

Supermarket credo - a question for living

At the supermarket yesterday, I noticed a woman walking in front of me.  I noticed her because of what was written on the back of the hoodie she was wearing.  It said:

"If you could have what you need and live happily without causing harm to others, why wouldn't you?"

As I was reading it, she turned around.  I must have looked like I was staring at her.  She had something written on the front of her shirt.

I asked her to stop so I could read it.  I told her I'd read what was written on the back of her top and really liked it.

She gave me a wide, sincere smile, touched me on the arm and said, "thank you".

I've been thinking about her and her message all day.  Why wouldn't you, indeed?

Philosophy day

Yesterday was a very social day.  I started the day discussing books over brunch with my book group.  We were discussing "Hard Times" by Charles Dickens and I put my credibility on the line early by declaring that I had now read Charles Dickens and that was now done. There will be no more.  

Then I met a school friend for coffee in the afternoon.  She was in Melbourne for the weekend and we realised that the last time we had seen each other was at the ten year school reunion which was fourteen years ago! When did these numbers get so high? 

While we are connected on facebook, she made the observation that we don't really know each other now.  This is essentially true.  We have very different lives, but there were echoes of similar quandaries and dilemmas in our lives.  It was interesting to hear her views about me.

She sincerely congratulated me on having my own business and celebrating its first birthday.  I was very happy to receive this acknowledgement.

She is going through a change of perspective about some of the people in her life; the term she used was "culling".  I asked why.  She told me about the treatment she had received at the hands of some of these people.  I shook my head and said she was right to realise that she was better off without these people in her life.  She observed that I had always "spring cleaned" as I went along.  Her concern that I would be offended was visible.  I wasn't offended at all - that is very true.  As I've gone along in my life, I have pretty clear lines about what's acceptable and who is worthwhile to have in my world.  

We also talked about perceptions that people have and what it means if we live our lives with deep concern for what others think of us.  It could translate into a sense of doing what is expected of us.  She had been constrained by this feeling and is now finding her power to realise that it doesn't matter and it's okay to act in accordance with what she thinks of herself, rather than what others think.

I offered her my congratulations.

In the evening it was off to dinner with another friend.  We talked life, work, world, politics.  The discussion turned to the issue of life plans.  Neither of us have one, although now that I'm in business for myself, I am thinking more long term.

I've always been an opportunist.  I'm quite happy to seize the moment and turn down a path to see what is down there.  My friend was quite vocal about how he felt about "those people" at university who had life plans which mapped out their whole lives.  I wondered why it mattered.  We pondered this question and it led into a discussion about everyone getting on with their own thing and doing what they need to do without worrying about how others were approaching their lives.  A theme was emerging.

More and more I find myself feeling very happy about the choices I've made and not worrying about the choices others make.  Except when it comes to politics.  This is the area where I really care and will work to persuade people.  Perhaps because whoever is in power can potentially have a profound impact on my ability to live my life.  

I finished the day feeling philosophical and thoughtful.  I pondered the meaning and nature of friendship and individuality. I said thank you to the world for where I am and the people I have in my life.  I realised that I probably do have a life plan - it's more about how I live than what I achieve and would look like a mind map rather than a lineage of milestones.  That suits me just fine!

What's your approach to life?  Have you thought about this lately?