Friday, 12 July 2013

What you need to know when the zombie apocalypse happens.

Here's what I learned from watching World War Z.  I thought I'd share it with you so we're all prepared for the zombie apocalypse when it comes.  You might think that Brad Pitt's new movie is a work of fiction, but it's actually an instructional video if you know how to interpret it.  I've taken the hard work out for you.

1.  Whenever you leave the house, wear shoes you can run in.

2.  Whenever you leave the house, take all essential medication in large amounts with you.

3.  If you're in a traffic jam and need to get out, follow the runaway garbage truck.  It will cut a path through all the parked cars.  Be careful when it tips over though, you could end up being crushed to death.  Never mind the zombies.

4. Make sure you're well connected to the UN and that they have your mobile number.  Stay in touch while you're away, otherwise they'll assume you're dead and throw your family to the zombies.

5. Know how to fly a plane.

6. Know how to use a gun.

7. When refueling aircraft at deserted Korean airbase, put your mobile phone on silent and make sure the wheels of all the bikes you'll be riding are well oiled.  I'd recommend carrying a can of WD40 just in case.

8. Know how to do field surgery to perform things like amputations in the blink of an eye without much blood or pain with only a mini bottle of vodka and a pencil handy.

9. Look for the nearest abandoned RV and steal it.  Just keep's there somewhere.

10. When you leave the RV to loot the nearest supermarket, don't leave the keys in there.  It won't be there when you come back, even if it was really hard to start about 5 minutes ago.  It will be gone in a flash.

11. If you're going to let the refugees in the safe zone sing joyfully make sure you hire a good sound engineer before you let them near the sound system.  For everyone's sake.

12.  When travelling in an aircraft, always keep your seatbelt fastened, low and tight over your hips.

13.  Become some kind of scientist who knows about biology, viruses, bacteria and that kind of stuff.  It's helpful in all kinds of ways.

14.  Carry a roll of gaffer tape.  This is a good life habit to have even when there are no zombies.

15.  See if you can find Brad Pitt.  He's indestructible and can do all of the above.

And the one thing I didn't learn  - and also didn't find out when I read the book - do zombies have bad breath?  It seems like they would.

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