Tuning into your inner coach

In November 2011, I wrote this post about the voices in my head. I'd been thinking about the critic who often shows up just when I really need the supportive voice of my coach. I went back to this post after a coaching experience I had last week.

Just last week I was working with a client who had a very loud critic screaming in her head. In fact, her critic was so loud, the critic's voice often came out of her own mouth. This client could not sit comfortably in silence and the critic would happily fill the space with negativity.

The client could not hear her coach at all. I think her coach had gone to sleep because the fight was just too hard.  She was also skeptical about the impact of the critic's voice.

Once I stopped the critic from speaking out loud through my client, I noticed the critic speaking non-verbally - the client would pull faces, roll her eyes, shrug her shoulders and fidget instead. The critic was still sending a very clear message.

I asked if I could try something. I asked her to write down three of the most prominent phrases that she could hear her critic saying and give me the paper. I then asked her to complete the speaking task she was working on while I sat beside her and repeated the critic's phrases in her ear.

The impact was profound: my client could barely speak and certainly could not complete the simple task with any level of competence.

On reflection, my client agreed that it was very hard to think.

I asked her to write down three phrases that would help her if she heard a coach say them to her.

This time, I asked her to complete the speaking task while I said the coach's phrases in her other ear.

Remarkably, she not only completed the task, but had more energy, focus and confidence as she completed the task.

It became clear to me that the concept of the coach and critic voices was too abstract for this client to grasp. (She probably had the critic rubbishing the idea while I explained it!) By giving actual voice to the coach and critic, this client was able to understand the impact her critical voice was having on her. It also gave her the tools to breathe life back into her coach's voice.

These moments are life changing for the client, and profound for me as the coach as I see their potential for success and confidence grow. It's always good to check in and see which station your voices are switched to. I choose "coach" every time!

What are you tuned to at the moment? How have you silenced your critic?

My workplace bully met me today.

Today I encountered a woman who had bullied me at work. I did something I would not have imagined a few years ago. I said hello to her.

The first thing I noticed was that my heart didn't race and I didn't feel like I was having a panic attack. I would experience these things whenever I had to deal with her at work, so this was significant. I was feeling secure and successful and I was looking fabulous. (I'd had a free afternoon after finishing work with a client, so I'd walked into a hair salon and had my hair blow waved.)

It felt wonderful to stand in front of her and deliver the message that I had survived and thrived, in spite of her best efforts to pull me to pieces. 

When talking about my best and worst leaders in leadership development, this woman is the person who springs to mind as the example of my worst leader. I led a team in the area she oversaw. The team was geographically dispersed and she regularly convened telephone conferences, preceded by an overload of detailed email requests. 

I specifically remember one incident when my team was confused by an email request she had sent. They asked me for guidance. I didn't know what it meant either, so agreed to raise it during the telephone conference. 

She discussed all the items on her agenda and then asked if anyone had anything else to discuss. I posed the question about what her email meant on behalf of the team. She responded by asking me if I had read the email and then stated that she assumed that I could in fact read. 

I have never felt so small. I couldn't speak. I felt as though I was being attacked. My team gaped at me. None of us spoke up. I think we were paralysed with fear. The telephone conference ended, none of us knew what she was asking of us and I spent my time avoiding my boss as much as possible. 

Not only did this woman give me my "worst leader" example, but she also gave me a character to develop. Over the last two days, I've been playing a senior doctor who is a bully and who spends her time belittling and humiliating her registrar. I often pose the question about reading capability when I'm playing this role.

During today's encounter, I noticed that this woman did not use my name once, yet I greeted her by using both her first name and surname. She asked me what I was doing now and I was very happy to speak about my success. She didn't congratulate me. She terminated the conversation very quickly. I wonder if she felt nervous meeting me again. Perhaps she has reflected on her behaviour and treatment of me and now regrets it. Whether she regrets it or not, I'm so pleased I took the chance to display my survival and success. Today, I took her power away.

Have you ever met your bully again? How did you feel? What did the bully do?

My favourite things...this week.

Usually I write this post on a Friday, but after hours of work, driving to the airport in Sydney to return to Melbourne and then actually arriving home, I did not feel like sitting down to write.  So I didn't.   Having just finished my Business Activity Statement and a couple of other pieces of work for a client, I just want to step away from the desk, but I'll write this first.

One of my favourite things this week was an early text message on Saturday morning from my dear friend S. who now lives interstate.  She was in town and wondered if I would be free for coffee.  Would I?!  We had a delightful morning catching up on the news and just enjoying each other's company for a couple of hours before I headed off to my jazz vocal class and her 8 month old son became a bit cantankerous.  It reminds me that with good friends, no matter how much time has passed, each meeting takes place as though the last one happened only yesterday.

A particularly challenging project I've been managing for a client all came together this week.  We're producing mental health scenarios working with simulated patients and clinicians which are filmed in Melbourne and sent over the internet via web conference to NSW.  The technology has been touchy and the team wasn't very tech-savvy to begin with.  It's been a painful birth, but this week EVERYTHING worked.  I knew this moment would come, but I don't think my team did.  We really needed this moment!

I had a moment of observation where I consciously noticed myself embrace fear and leap in anyway.  I selected my first song (one of two) for the jazz vocal workshop.  I'd never heard it before and I loved it the moment I heard the lyrical melody.  When the words were revealed I couldn't resist.  As I took the stage to explore further, Bob Sedergreen told me this was a really challenging song with a lot of key changes.  "It's really difficult.  Are you sure?"  My response was, "Excellent!" For that I received a round of applause.  

My next favourite thing comes from that class too.  While I'm all open to experience whatever happens, I've noticed that that is not the mindset of the entire class.  There are a couple of people who are very worried about everything they don't know.  They want information NOW about things that will be revealed in due course.  Instead of relaxing and just being where we are, they become anxious.  Initially, I could feel myself pursing my lips and a little voice of judgement was seeping in: "They need to relax and just BE!"  Then I realised that this applied to me too.  We're all in different places and one of my lessons is to be cool with where other people are.

My fabulous day in Sydney on ANZAC Day was a highlight of the week.

Lastly, travelling home on the train yesterday afternoon I noticed a young man with the piano score for Percy Grainger's "Gumsuckers March" spread before him on his lap.  He was playing "air piano" so intently I could almost hear the music.

© divacultura 2013

What were your favourite things this week?