Quoting Tara Moss

Tonight's episode of Q and A on the ABC was much better than usual. I put this down to the fact that there was plenty of politics, but no politicians.

Author, model and all round intelligent, fabulous woman, Tara Moss, was wonderful. She said this about sexual abuse:

"Silence protects the perpetrators and shames the victims."

That is all tonight.

"Sorry" - pondering the art of the apology

Lately I've been thinking about apologies. I think this is partly because the evening news is filled with stories of the day's proceedings at the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse.

The personal stories are harrowing and I find it difficult to comprehend that what now seems like an epidemic was hidden for so long. The stories are also littered with brave souls deciding to speak up and then being further victimised in the way the institutions responded to the complaint. Often one of the things being sought was an apology. Frequently, the institution receiving the complaint was a faith based organisation. I can imagine these organisations are proud of values like compassion, respect, justice and empathy. Money was usually offered and usually rejected as the apology remained missing in action.

Australia's most senior Roman Catholic, Cardinal George Pell, recently apologised to abuse victim John Ellis. As I watched, I didn't notice what was said because I was so overwhelmed by the fact that he wasn't looking at the person to whom he was apologising. It just looked like a person going through the expected steps, rather than demonstrating any heart connection. (I can't judge intention, but am reflecting on what was being transmitted on the visual communication channel.)

Tonight I also heard that two years ago, the British Prime Minister, David Cameron, apologised to the families of people killed at the Hillsborough soccer stadium twenty-five years ago.

Apologies are so often sought. I wonder at the satisfaction when they are received. What is the essential quality that causes the apology to be received in a way that it goes some way to repair damage and hurt?

Australia has its own long record of grappling with the question of saying sorry to our indigenous people. I could always embrace the idea that one should be offered because it just seemed like the decent thing to do. In February I was listening to the radio in the car, while I drove across town. The show was being broadcast from a concert to mark the anniversary of the apology which was eventually delivered by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. Kutcha Edwards talked about the wound that indigenous Australians have as a result of the removal of children (the stolen generations). He talked about that when you're wounded you have less capacity to deal with further pain; while ever that wound is left unattended it will fester and ache and ooze and weep. The wound needs to be tended to, so that it can begin to heal.

I listened and the tears rolled. It was the most humble and sensible description I had ever heard.

We know the power of words - to heal or inflict pain - so why is it so hard to say sorry with truth and sincerity? Perhaps it' s the surrender of the ego as wrongdoing is admitted. In order to reach this point, empathy needs to be felt and demonstrated.

Kutcha Edwards also made me rethink my working definition of empathy when the broadcaster raised the family metaphor of "walking in another's shoes". Mr Edwards pounced and said that this was not enough; the understanding needs to be deepened so there is appreciation for why a person is in a particular pair of shoes.

Yes!

I was in Federation Square in Melbourne, as the community gathered together to hear the Prime Minister apologise on behalf of white Australians. I cried. I stood amongst others who were also moved.

Prime Minister Julia Gillard also apologised to mothers and their children who were separated at birth through policies of enforced adoption. It was overshadowed by the internal political shenanigans of the Labor Party at the time, but I remember being just as moved.

It seems we have a lot to say sorry for as a country and probably as individuals too. Have you apologised lately? Perhaps you've received an apology - what made it work? or fail? 

Lowering the tone - Alan Jones' "apology"

I've got hay fever that is worse than the flu.  My head is blocked up and I have to turn the television right up to hear it.  None of that has stopped me hearing Alan Jones' statement following his latest inappropriate attacks on the Prime Minister and her father.  

One snippet particularly caught my attention.  Jones said: "Those people who have complained about what I said about the Prime Minister and the language I used are using vile language in their comments about me. That apparently is OK."  (You can read a report on the whole thing here.)  Jones made this statement

I don't listen to Alan Jones' program.  I live in Melbourne and he doesn't broadcast here.  If I lived in Sydney, I know that I wouldn't tune in.  But I do know that lots of people do.  As a result, as much as I may rail against someone like Jones, he is actually a powerful thought leader in a significant sector of the community.

The comment I've quoted above shows that Jones doesn't understand this.  It is him - and other broadcasters like him - who have changed the tone of public discourse.  His abusive tirades mean that vile, vitriolic attacks are the norm these days.  He has created the environment himself and lowered the benchmark of acceptability.

I know that the shock-jocks are all about inflaming and arousing.  Luke warm isn't part of their repertoire.  I'd prefer a more intelligent, thoughtful and moderate discussion.  (Moderate in temperature.)  It is a bit much that one of the biggest bullies there is, is now pouting because his own bile has been put on a plate and set down in front of him.  

I deliberately use the term "bully".  Jones' latest comments were attributing motivation to our Prime Minister's dead father.  Only a bully throws a punch at someone they know can not retaliate.

I think we're better than this.  I hope we're better than this.  I'd love to have the mainstream media focussed on thoughtful and intelligent discussion and political commentary.  Until then, people like Alan Jones set the tone of public discourse in Australia.  It's great to see people taking a stand against this violent and bullying approach by pressuring advertisers.  It will be interesting to see whether money really does talk.  I think there will be a flurry and then everything will go back to the way it was.  

I'd love to be surprised.

There's no extra charge for anything you may find under your pillow - when customer service goes wrong.

I'm in a hotel in Western Australia. Its address is "Grand Boulevard".  The minute I heard the address I prepared myself for disappointment. It's not really a boulevard. There's nothing grand about it. I see no evidence that I am in a city.

The walls are so thin communication is possible without technology of any kind. My colleague reported hearing me wake up this morning. We weren't in the same room. When I asked what he had heard, he told me he heard me turn the light on! No gentlemen callers on this trip.  The pillows are lumpy - all four of them.  But the bathroom is clean and the bed is comfortable, apart from the pillows. They are lumpy. All four of them.

It's not the worst I've stayed in.

There was the infamous incident involving surprises lurking under the pillow.

I had arrived at this particular hotel at around 10pm in the middle of an intense week of travel and meetings in various cities.  All I wanted to do when I arrived was have a shower and snuggle into bed.  Instead, at 11pm I was on the phone to reception in a less than happy frame of mind.

The first part of the plan had gone well enough. I was showered and dressed in my night attire (I love that phrase) and in bed.  As I was getting comfortable - on my side with a hand under the pillow - I felt something odd.  I lifted my head and moved the pillow which led to the discovery of tissues -used and belonging to someone else -under the pillow. Lumpy pillows would have been preferable.

I leapt out of that bed and tore the sheets and blankets back.  Looking for - and hoping not to find - other foreign bodies.  Then I picked up the phone. I expected that anyone would be horrified to learn that this had occurred in their hotel.  Non-plussed is a more accurate description of the reaction.  I had to ask for another room.  There were none available.  I had to propose that someone come to my room, very quickly, with clean bedding.

I was virtually asleep on my feet so I stripped the bed so it could immediately be remade with fresh sheets.  The hard faced sourpuss who attended was not happy that I had stripped the bed.  Apparently I had destroyed the evidence! As a consequence, she had no way of knowing if I had concocted the story. My response was sarcastic; along the lines of "of course I concocted it.  My aim was to be arguing with you, dressed in my pyjamas, at 11:30pm, in my third city of the week!" I then stood back and watched her make the bed.

She didn't apologise. She didn't show any empathy for my situation. The used tissues which were under the pillow of my bed were an imposition only on her.  I was just the person left with an urge to boil my pyjamas.

The next morning on checkout my plan was to wait and see if they acknowledged or apologised for the incident.  They didn't. It was as if it never happened. They told me how much I owed. Before I paid I asked what consideration I was to be shown for the dirty bed. They looked embarrassed and said it wouldn't happen again.

"I know it won't.  Well not to me anyway. I won't be staying here ever again," I responded.  I had been a regular guest, staying there two to three times a month.

Only then did they try to keep me as a customer. It was too late.

You might think that the customers who would be most loyal to an organisation would be those who had never had a problem in their dealings.  This is wrong. There's some research that shows the most loyal customers are those who have had a problem that has been well handled by the business.

On reflection this rings true when I think about the tissues in the bed incident. I probably would have gone back if they had dealt with me and the situation better. The main thing that was missing was a simple apology. And acknowledgement that what had occurred was unacceptable.  Instead I was left with the feeling that this kind of thing happened all the time and it was really annoying when people complained about it and further, only annoying people would make a complaint.

As I sit in the brown decor of my hotel room on Grand Boulevard (that is neither grand nor a boulevard) I give thanks for lumpy pillows on a clean bed and rest easy in the knowledge that I won't need to boil my pyjamas.

Do you know how to apologise?